My Life as a Murderer

Something happened to me on Tuesday that I will likely never forget for the rest of my life. Even as I sit here and write I am going through the events of Tuesday December 11th in my head. Obviously I am not sure of the long term effects of my actions but the short term has made me angry, sad and surprisingly more clear on some of my beliefs.
Before I start I just want you to know that at times I feel I am blowing this out of proportion and at other times I feel it's bigger than I think it is. So with that thought, read on.
My partner and I, meaning my business partner who also happens to be my brother-in-law have a landscaping business together. Right now it is leaf season and leaf season just plain sucks. We spend hours a day blowing leaves (and I would almost welcome a man named leaves rather than those evil things that drop from the trees), raking leaves, dragging leaves and I eat leaves for lunch (I'm trying to be healthy). Anyway enough about my disdain for leaves. We had split up on Tuesday morning, I was sucking up the leaves with our Billy Goat or simply "Goat" and he and our employee were dragging leaves at another property 5 miles away. We had finished at roughly the same time and met at our usual lunch spot, 7-Eleven. It was at this time that my whole life changed.
Aaron, my brother-in-law, told me that there was a baby deer with a broken leg in the back yard of the house next to our customers. It was obviously in pain and by the size of the hole that it had dug trying to get up it had been there for at least a day. At the time the only protocol he knew of was to contact local law enforcement and have them come out and shoot it. The police were notified and they kept on working until the officer arrived.
Now I was not there but before the officer arrived the deer seemed to be in decent health despite it's severely broken leg and lack of food and water I assume. I'm not saying that what the officer did was wrong I'm merely pointing out that the deer had a broken leg but no other injuries that were seen. And unfortunately when a deer has a broken leg it is typical to "put them down". Anyway, the officer pulled out his service revolver and shot the deer point blank in the head. After the job was complete he went back to his car and left. However, the deer who was apparently granted a quick death got nothing of the sort. It was still alive.
Now I am a big supporter of local law enforcement and for that matter all law enforcement but this is where the anger feelings come in. I'm giving the officer the benefit of the doubt; maybe they are only allowed to use one bullet or maybe he was nervous having never killed a deer (especially a baby). But for crying out loud (crying out loud does not do justice to my anger but I'm trying not to cuss in my blogs) you really have to make sure that the thing is dead. Your job is to put it out of it's misery, not increase AND extend the agony.
Well I arrived at the house about 1 hour after it had been shot and proceeded directly to the deer. I watched it for a minute and then it opened it's eye and stared at me. Maybe it was not staring at me but I felt like it was. And in a situation like this what is anyone's first reaction? Call a redneck! Fortunately for me I have quite a few rednecks on my phone tree.
I shuffled through my phone and got on the line with opossum (name changed for security purposes). I explained the situation and he told me to get a large rock and bash it over the head. Now I'm no fan of Peta and I certainly do not think that hunting should be outlawed but I could not see myself crushing the head of a deer with a large rock so that was out of the question.
We finally came to the conclusion that cutting it's throat would be the quickest and most humane way to ease the suffering of the deer. Of course the only things that I have ever killed were birds (when I was a kid with a BB gun and I only did it once because I felt so bad), insects (and I don't kill them unless it is by accident or if they sting or bite me), fish (while fishing and not with the intent of killing them) and that is about all that I can think of... Until Tuesday.
Then I called my Father. Although he has never hunted that I am aware of I was pretty sure that he had had to shoot a deer as part of his duties as a Montgomery County Police Officer. He was actually on his way to Rockville which happened to be right where I was. He offered to come down and do it himself, citing the fact that he had only needed to shoot one deer in his life and he was able to end it's misery with one shot. I declined his offer and thought I had better do this myself.
I found a utility knife and sat by the deer for a minute, my hand was shaking but I really needed to do this soon simply because the deer was obviously suffering and I might chicken out if I thought about it too long.
I found where I needed to cut and pulled the razor blade along it's neck. My worst fears came to be. (Right now I am literally shuddering as I recall the event). While the knife pierced the skin it would not cut through the rest. The deer did not move much but I felt like it was in even more pain.
I sprinted to my truck trying to find something else that was sharper but to no avail. I kept searching, throwing things around the truck and cursing myself for not having a sharp enough blade. Tears were welling up in my eyes and the fear that I had caused the deer even more pain than it was already in was already eating away at me. And if that makes me a sissy then I wear the name proudly.
Luckily my brother-in-law pulled up and I rushed over to his truck hoping he had something I could use. The first thing that I picked up was a saw. I quickly discarded it but with no other sharp tools available I had to use it. My brother-in-law was telling me to calm down but he later revealed that he would not have said that had he known that I had already begun the killing process.
I went back to the deer and Aaron followed. I silently prayed for the deer to feel no pain and I pulled the saw along it's neck.
Before I go on let me warn you that this is graphic and you may not want to know about this.
The saw cut quickly and evenly and right through the esophagus. There was minimal blood because I had not hit the carotid artery although that was my intention. I watched as blood and air came from the exposed throat.
After about ten seconds the deer began to thrash and I thought this might be it's death throes but it's lungs were still pumping and it made a sort of baa noise. I pushed on it's lungs and put my hand on it's heart, hoping and praying that it would stop beating... Hoping and praying that I had done the right thing and no more slicing or bashing was needed.
It sat quiet again for about thirty seconds and as I got up to leave it made another noise and sort of wagged it's tail. I can't tell you the emotions that whirled in my head. My first thought was utter hatred for the police officer but that quickly changed to anger at myself and then near hysteria.
There was no way I was cutting through the neck of the poor deer any more. I simply sat there with it's head pulled back and my hand on it's lungs so they would not try and fill up with air... and I waited. It must have been only three minutes after that the deer passed but I sat there for ten, contemplating my decision, cussing the police officer and in all honesty asking God for forgiveness while at the same time giving the deer what some might call it's last rites. And I don't say that in jest.
I left the scene with no confidence that the deer was dead so I did what anyone in my situation would do... I called a redneck, Big Jim (name changed) this time. I explained that situation to him and he also said I should have bashed it over the head.
This of course was not the information that I was looking for. However he did have some useful information. To tell if a deer is dead you can touch it's eyeball. If his eye does not blink then he is dead.
So I approached the deer and touched it's eyeball, the moment of truth that was weighing on my mind. Fortunately the eyeball did not blink. My trials were over and the deer no longer suffered needlessly.
I still question my decision and have asked numerous people what they thought. I hope for your sake you never have to make a decision like this, unless of course you have no heart!
The most unfortunate thing is that we later found out there are local places that will rescue these animals. Here is a great local Maryland site, Second Chance Wildlife Center The best non-regional site I could find was The Wildlife Rehabilitation Information Directory. There are many others out there that look like they could help. I urge you to consider this before contacting your local law enforcement.
Let me end on a final note. We have been desensitized to killing deer by seeing them dead along the road. Only this situation has allowed me to see that life is precious and fragile. And this gives me incite into the murder of humans.
After this situation I have zero tolerance and no remorse for murderers. We have also been desensitized to the death of humans, I think by movies and the news. But for a human to take another humans life, by gun or knife or bare hands, etc. to me they are clinically insane and have no further use for us on this earth. I know that this is a general statement and I believe there are circumstances such as war and self-defense that are exempt but a premeditated, useless murder to me deserves no less than equal retribution.
Yes, I am saying an eye for an eye and that may sound hypocritical to some but we will have to leave that for another blog.


Suffering is nothing. It's all a matter of preventing those you love from suffering. -Alphonse Daudet

Your panties are bunched!

For crying out loud, some of us don't have a chair-to-ass job... For those few of you who were patiently awaiting the return of this blog I take my sweaty hat off to you. And for those others who have been waiting to throw their proverbial panties at the stage thank you too! Even practically perfect people need a kick in the ass from time to time.
OK, that's it, I'll see you after Christmas... whoops I mean Holiday! (Can anyone tell me what I'm about to bitch... about?)
It's Christmas time... Well, it has been since my neighbor's put their Christmas lights up 3 years ago. As many of you already know Hallmark and Toy's R Us, along with a myriad of other stores have been slowly pushing Christmas time from the end of December to somewhere right around Thanksgiving. For those shoppers who like to get an early second mortgage Christmas shopping begins on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving... It's a brilliant marketing ploy and if it weren't for my utter disdain towards big corporations and their destroying America (wait a minute, I've been reading too much drivel from the online socialists)! That was a jab at Karl Marx and the growing popularity in America of "the government should take care of me" ideal!
Anyways, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, Christianity's Son of God. As with many of the things in Christianity and most other religions Christmas is a symbol. I'm not here to argue if Jesus was actually born on December 25th or if the Pagan religion is the original author of the celebration. It's a tradition in the United States dating back to John Smith and the Jamestown settlement practiced in our predominately Christian nation, and while a burgeoning society needs to change to grow and flourish, some things should remain as tradition!
So without further adieu let's talk about Christmas... Are people really offended by a man born over 2000 years ago who preaches such out-dated ideas like "Love thy neighbor" or "Don't murder" or "Honor your parents"? When you walk down the street and see a Christmas tree or a little baby in a manger surrounded by family and friends does that spark a deep-seeded hatred in your being? Does a fat man with a white beard and a red coat who magically delivers toys to children make you relive bad memories of a drunken Uncle Joe during the holidays? For Christ's sake (yes that is intended) we have a growing violent crime rate, our soldiers are fighting a war over seas and there is a good chance that a few families in your town won't have enough food to eat this holiday! Does the removal of a Christmas tree in a Seattle airport serve any greater good? I realize that the true meaning of Christmas lies in the birth of Christ. I realize that decorations and Santa Clause don't reflect the true meaning of Christmas but I hardly think they are a tool of the evil missionaries trying to spread God's word throughout the world. I would be all for getting rid of Christmas icons if someone could prove to me that they have in any way infringed on the rights of any human.
Christmas time has been traditionally a time of giving, dating back to ancient Babylon. We give gifts to our family members and friends, we spoil our children and spend time with family. Many people even take time out of their busy lives to help those less fortunate. I'm not talking about those lobbying Congress for government handouts, I'm talking about people donating warm clothes to the Salvation Army, donating canned goods to those who need it and even taking time from their families to personally help at soup kitchens, toy drives and the like. And many of these people and groups who unselfishly help others are members of a religious group who celebrates Christmas. (I'm certainly not insinuating that Christians are the only religious group that helps others at Christmas time and throughout the year and it is unfortunate that I even have to include this disclaimer). Banning Christmas icons and making it just another federal holiday could have adverse effects on the generous folks who donate so much during the holidays.
The earliest celebration on December 25th is credited to the Pagans who celebrated by "raucous partying, gluttonous eating and drinking, and gift-giving", and continued by three shepherds bringing gifts to an unknown child known as Jesus Christ and now by millions like myself who drink and eat a lot and give gifts. And as a person not easily offended I take great offense to anyone who thinks that Christmas trees, baby Jesus and the words "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas" are infringing on their rights.
I understand that their are other religions freely practicing in this country, exactly as the founding fathers wanted. I understand that during the Christmas holiday many stores and houses and public areas have decorated Christmas trees, Nativity scenes, garland, poinsettia, Santa Clauses ringing bells... It's hard not to go anywhere without being reminded of Christmas. Instead of spending all of your time being angry during the holidays why not turn that frown upside-down. Use it to call that friend from high school you haven't spoken with in 15 years or patch a wound between you and your father, everyone is a little more sensitive and forgiving during Christmas. We are not trying to force you into Christianity, that ended with the efficacy of the sword but rather are asking you to think of Christmas as a positive for millions of people, including you! I mean no one is making you worship the Son of God, that would be un-American. However why not take advantage of all the sales, the chance to give to someone who needs more than you and of course the time off work.
Think about this. If you could write a list of ten things you would wish for this Christmas would one of them be the end of Christmas? If so then I guess you'd be in a catch-22... For your sake and the rest of ours, I hope the banishing of Christmas doesn't consume you... It's Christmas, have a drink, call a friend and be thankful that you're alive!


In the old days, it was not called the holiday season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hannukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hannukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall! -Dave Barry

There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America. -Bill Clinton

Happily Performing my Civic Duty

Law Enforcement... To some this is a bad word. And more times than not these are the same people that bitch when the police don't show up in 3.75 seconds. But I'm not here to convince you that most police officers, who risk their lives for your safety on a daily basis are underpaid and under-appreciated (even though I just said it), I'm merely letting you know how I support law enforcement and the fine men and women who are a part of it...

I drink... And I drink a lot. Right now you are scratching your head wondering how on earth this could help law enforcement. Well I'll tell you!

Every 6 months or so a few brave men and women of a local county (not to mention all over the country) sign up to become police officers. They study law books, work out, eat, sleep and defecate (this is a clean blog) rules on being a police officer. I personally do not know how tough police officer training is but when I see a 500 pound police officer I assume it is fairly easy. However like I said I really have no idea! Anyways if I am correct all officers go from training to being a patrol officer. This means they do traffic stops, respond to domestic violence, robberies, stabbings, shootings, gang fights, etc. And one of the most difficult and dangerous things for them to do is make traffic stops. But we are not going to get into that per say. What I want to focus on is DUI's.

Now you may think that the law is on the officer's side but in the wake of Rodney King and a very small amount of other situations where the officers, with only seconds to decide what to do in the face of possible injury or death, made the wrong decision and that decision was sent expediently across mainstream airwaves, the law has almost turned it's back against these officers.

Fear not because I am here to help. Officers are faced almost daily with drunk drivers. And many of our esteemed lawyers feel it is their responsibility to save these lawbreakers by attacking the officer and making the drunk driver out to be a victim. So for this it is imperative that new officers have the proper training to correctly assess a drunk driver, correctly test them and correctly charge them with the proper crime. And I am just the man to help them.

Tonight I will be picked up in an unmarked police car and driven to the training academy. There I will be served the alcoholic beverage of my choice while being closely monitored by trained officers. Along with about 15 to 20 other people we will play drinking games, socialize and consume. Keep in mind that we are monitored and heavy, excessive drinking is prohibited. Anyways, after about three hours of partying we will be given a breathalyser test and taken to the gymnasium where 20 to 40 new recruits will be testing what they have learned out on real drunks. The eye test, the stand on one foot test and the walking test will be administered to me. It is quite fun and great practice for when I get pulled over. However no one can escape the eye test. When you get drunk your eyes shake uncontrollably so no matter how "good" you think you are you are still busted.

Once the training session is over we are brought into another room where we stand up in front of the new recruits and they tell us whether or not we would have been arrested. Once that is determined our BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) is revealed and we are free to go home. I'm sorry, what I meant was we are escorted home in an unmarked police vehicle.

The last time I was tested my BAC was .09, which is legally drunk. Out of the 6 groups that tested me five of them would have arrested me. However the first time that I did it my BAC was also .09 but only 2 of the 7 groups would have arrested me. And in each group that arrested me I knew two of the officers and I think they just assumed that I was drunk.

Anyway, that is my Tuesday night and that is how I feel good about performing my civic duties... I consider myself a patriot! What do you do for your country?

PS. It is Thursday and I have some news. The training was a success. I had 16 ounces of Jack Daniel's and blew a goat... just kidding I blew a .11. Every officer that tested me did arrest me so for this class it sounds like we have some good men and women that will soon be protecting us. Nothing exciting to report although I am even more sure that I'm marrying the right woman. There happened to be 5 men and about 15 women at the training. 12 of these women were in their 20's. I had no interest in these girls... However I did spend the evening yacking it up with one woman that graduated high school a year prior to my Dad and the other two were older than I although I did not ask their ages. And I had a great time. I guess I really learned a few things at my pre-cana classes...

"Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected." -George Washington

"They speak of my drinking but never think of my thirst" -Scottish Proverb

A bit of Anger Management

This blog sucks but I'm bored and felt like typing something!

Lately I have been able to manage my anger in ways I never thought possible. For instance yesterday I managed to get angry at another driver. This particular person was not in my way, not cutting me off and maybe 5oo feet from me in another lane going another way. Still, I managed to get angry with her. You see in my little town there is a light. And this light stops people from inadvertently slamming into each other. There is one lane from three directions and three lanes from the other direction (if you don't understand then stop reading, go into your garage and turn on your car (STOP... do not do what I just told you to do)). So from the one side that has three lanes only two of them go straight. One veers to the right and blends in with traffic. For those of you who ever come North on 27 through Damascus, YOU DO NOT NEED TO STOP HERE! There is no white line to stop at, there is no light above the lane and there absolutely is no humanly way to mix this up... Unless of course you are the idiot that sat at the non-light this morning as I drove by with a line of traffic bottle-necked behind her. And to top it off when the light turned green she yielded for the non-oncoming traffic even though there is no yield sign and a clearly marked lane where SHE has the right-of-way! And as usual I have artistically led into the next paragraph!

Road signs are our friend. If you come upon a sign that says, let me think of something off the top of my head... YIELD then you should know what to do. Most likely there is oncoming traffic where you need to merge with. On occasion there is no merge lane and you will see a sign that says NO MERGE LANE. At this point you need to stop and observe the oncoming traffic until you can safely enter the driving lane. Please increase your speed immediately as the traffic behind you is coming up fast and accelerating to there speed, or at least the speed limit is vital. But more often than not there is a lane to merge. Do not come to a complete stop here. You have a lane and this is designed for you to continue driving, without stopping until you have reached the same speed as the traffic you are trying to merge with so you can enter the driving lane. Put your damn blinker on, speed up and don't stop. Stopping could cause a serious accident and then God will deem you an idiot.

And almost on a daily basis I manage to get angry at idiots entering the highway. just because you have your blinker on does not mean that you have access to leave the merge lane (see above) and enter the driving lane. It is imperative that you increase your speed to the same speed as those on the highway BEFORE you enter the driving lane. If the speed limit is 55 MPH then your ass better be going at least 55 mph before you plan to merge. This to me is the definition of common sense but every time I am on the highway some douche wants to get in front of me going 30 mph

And for God's sake do not drive in the fast lane, ever... The left lane of the highway is designed for passing those on the right. There is nothing more angering than some idiot driving too slow in the left "fast" lane. Or some putz driving the exact speed limit in the middle lane and people are passing them on the right. A good rule of thumb is that if you are being passed on the left then you are in the wrong lane... Get over... There is nothing wrong with driving slow as long as you are in the slow lane...

If you follow these simple rules then I will not have to send my goons to kick your ass and take your license.

Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves. -Larry McMurtry

Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?

Where do these sayings come from? Has anyone done the research? Was PETA notified before the "scientist" removed the leg of the duck (refer to the title)? The reason why I ask these questions is because I have been hearing these for years. "Does a bear shit in the woods", "Is the Pope catholic?", "Does a frog bump his ass when he hops?" and many others. In fact over the years of having these sayings pumped into my little brain even I have been known to say them. It's kind of like a rural brain-washing. I also love trucks, chew tobacco, have an American flag magnet and wear jeans to work.

So to my next point (if there was a point in the first paragraph) does anyone else feel like they are being misrepresented by our government... For the people and by the people. In a representative democracy we choose our leaders by vote. These are the folks who are supposed to be the voice of the people. Servants of the people if you will! It might just be me but I don't feel like lying, embezzlement, racketeering, bribery, etc. are the qualities I look for in an elected official! I know, I'm crazy!

I guess this comes up because I have recently been acquainted with the "Fairness Doctrine". For those of you not familiar with the "Fairness Doctrine" I suggest you read about it if you are at all concerned about your freedom of speech. I mean are we paying these people to raise their salaries every year and continue to legislate tyranny? And this issue is not a left/right issue although the conservatives would be hurt most by the reintroduction of this "communesque" (I made that word up) piece of legislation. The right to free speech is paramount to keeping a free country.

Here is the first sentence of a description about the "Fairness Doctrine.
"The policy of the United States Federal Communications Commission that became known as the "Fairness Doctrine" is an attempt to ensure that all coverage of controversial issues by a broadcast station be balanced and fair."

Are you kidding me! Let's break this down shall we? Who determines what a controversial issue is? I picture some fat white guy sitting on a throne and the leaders of our political parties waiting eagerly for him to judge each and every issue. "I deem issue 549743 to be non-controversial... I have spoken!" And what the hell is balanced. Did Fox news start this silly trend. If something is balanced would it not reflect every aspect of an issue and every view of every American... That's friggin impossible! So balanced is out... What about fair? How can you expect someone who already has a bias to be fair. It's human nature to be more passionate about something that you believe in and people can pick up on body language, voice tone, etc. when you are trying to argue one point or another. Even more so why does everything have to be fair. I mean I could argue that I don't think it is fair that there are more Democrats in congress than Republicans or that it is not fair that there are only two political parties. Life is not fair so quit bitching and deal with it! This is so arbitrary. Can you imagine the wasted taxpayer money when we start taking "fairness" issues to court.

One more quick point on that. Someone correct me if I'm wrong but the Constitution does say "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" doesn't it? Liberty... what does that mean to you? To me it means that I am privileged to practice my beliefs, share my thoughts and voice my opinion without fear of government or private interference. In fact the government should protect my rights to have these beliefs. And don't say by being public about my beliefs that I am pushing them on you because you have every right to stop reading this. You can change the channel, walk away, voice your opposition and you can do that with the knowledge that you are protected by the constitution. Disclaimer: Remember that you are only protected if you don't infringe on anyone else's rights. So don't argue to me that I'm saying people are protected when they threaten the life of someone or spread lies knowingly (slander). Sure they are free to do it but this infringes on another's liberty and therefore the government needs to step in.

Finally what gets me, and I certainly used to be a one-sided political idiot, is that people still think that one political cult is better than the other. In theory I do have a political side but as far as I can tell Washington does not reflect my views whatsoever! And the worst part about it is that we are moving at light speed towards a bigger government who believes they know what is best for me in my life. Socialism is not good for America people. We did not ascend to a world power in less than 200 years by handing out ribbons to every citizen.

In closing I would just like to say that if someone were to ask me if I thought the current trend of lawmakers who are systematically taking away my personal freedoms and rights pisses me off you know what I would say...

Does a one-legged horse sit down?

Those who call for censorship in the name of the oppressed ought to recognize it is never the oppressed who determine the bounds of censorship. - Aryeh Neier, Civil Libertarian

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it - Mark Twain

In some of its more lunatic aspects, political correctness is merely ridiculous. But in the thinking behind it, there is something more sinister which is shown by the fact that already there are certain areas and topics where freedom of speech, in the sense of the right to open and frank discussion, is being gradually but significantly eroded. - Retiring Judge Neil Denison, who as Common Serjeant of London since 1993 was one of Britain's most prominent judges, as quoted by the London Daily Telegraph.

Welcome Back, Kotter

If my name were Kotter I would say thank you but alas my parents chose the name Matthew to dictate my future. If my Dad had a say in it I would currently be serving two life sentences with Ted Kaczynski as Marshall Montgomery! Anyways it has been quite a while since my last blog... not by choice though! Believe you me (another of the phrases I hate but have always wanted to use properly) I would much rather spend my days gnawing on beef jerky and typing my thoughts as they come out. Of course I would be a fatass with mouth cancer and carpal tunnel but sometimes the price of greatness outweighs the ass in the chair!

I have many, many thoughts to convey to my reader. First off I am greatly displeased at the current situation we are facing, not only here in Montgomery County Maryland but all across the country. It seems our elected officials, on both sides of the political aisle have made it their job, as if God himself or Darwin whichever philosophy you adhere too, has given them some divine power to know what is good for me and you. I'm going to touch on this, or should I say unapologetically rant about this in my next blog so I won't go to much into it but does anyone else feel like the government has grown out of it's britches! (Gotten too big for it's britches for those of you who didn't understand my last sentence!

Onto another topic... My tobacco update. It's been a few long, grueling months but I have managed to keep up my 1 can a day habit like a pro. You see I work outside every day and nothing says redneck like a farmer's tan and a ring forever emblazoned in your back pocket. As a landscaper by trade I must live up to my stereotype! So I have set another quit date, sometime between now and my wedding which is quickly approaching!

It takes a certified genius to end a paragraph with such a great lead in for the next. My wedding... It's just around the corner... 56 days to be exact! And as most men do I engage in the anti-marriage banter, gazing into the sky as I relive my bachelor days, feigning regret and cussing myself... In truth I'm in love and more than ready to make this commitment! After talking with many married men about their lives I can tell the ones that are truly happy. These are the guys that never have a bad thing to say about marriage and I know that one day someone will ask me about married life and I'll be just like them... Happy!

OK, enough with the mushy stuff. I am a sentimental bastard so if I don't cut myself off I might start typing eloquent soliloquies and I don't need any of the single women who read my blog flooding me with love notes or married men angrily attacking me because their wives say "Why can't you say things to me like he types!"

I want to next touch on bragging. See, the lead ins are magnificent. As a blogger it's fun to be something you typically aren't. For instance I started writing another blog, due out within the week, where I am a large Asian man with 6 digits on my left hand. What I mean is don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful!

In closing I would just like to say that I will be making a better effort to grace my reader with more inane writings and Psychological Wanderlust! I hope you'll join me!

One other thing before I go... Today I was in a class all day with about 100 other people. After each speaker the class would clap and then wait until the next speaker set up his power point presentation. Yes 8 straight hours but that is not the point. As the last speaker wrapped up people were edging towards the door anticipating the long line to get their certificate. To be congenial towards the speaker I reluctantly sat in my chair and waited for him to finish. And for the first time in my life I was the first person to clap and if you have never started a "clapping wave" with 100+ people I suggest it.

"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy." Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1842-1912)

3 girls and a viagra

3 girls and a viagra? What could this mean? Well I thought I would delve into the fantasy world for a minute and discuss where my brain has recently been. I don't plan on talking about sexual fantasies despite what your dirty mind may have thought when you read the title. But I did intend for you, the reader to get on the fantasy track and for most men I think the thought of three girls at the same time is a fantasy stemming back to the "sneaking a peak at Uncle Jim's Playboy's" days. As for the viagra, what's the fun if you only enjoy it for 30 seconds?

So without further adieu my most recent, and weekly occuring fantasy! Drum Roll... the lottery of course. I don't necessarily have this fantasy every week but when I think about it or when the pot gets to be over 100 million (because 10 million is not worth buying a ticket) I buy a ticket. The first thing I say to the person at the register is "If I win I won't forget you!" Which is comparable to calling someone named Matt, doormat... "Hey, do people ever wipe their feet on you?"

"Yes douche, every other time I introduce myself to someone they wipe their feet on me, it really gets on my nerves!"

So anyway I start with the cliche I won't forget you and then purchase my tickets. Typically I am by myself so my fantasies of being a millionaire are kept quiet but God forbid if you are in the car with me. "Hey, what would you do if you won the lottery..." wait a sec... wait a sec... "Cuz I know what I would do. First I would definitely take the cash, anyone who would take the annuity is stupid. I mean you can take a larger sum of money at one time and invest it so despite the penalty for taking the cash you would make up that money in no time. And I would quit my job right this second, I mean why go back to work. You would have to be a complete ninny to go back to work, unless of course you gave breast exams then the lottery would mean nothing!

So if the lottery is 100 million, they take half right off the bat and then whatever percent the government gets, say 25% and then I have about 37 million. I would take 10 million and invest it so my kids kids kids would not have to work. This would leave me with 27 million. Then I would pay off my parents bills and give then a couple million, say 5. I would send another 5 to my in-laws which would leave me with 17 million. Now I have a lot of family members but I bet with 7 million I could pay off all of their debts. I would now have 10 million left. With 4 total going to my sisters and another three to help all of my friends I would still have 3 million left and I would take a year or two and travel the world with my sweetheart. Whatever was left over from the 3 million once I return home and buy a small house on 10 acres I would give to Heroes, a charity for the families of fallen police officers.

Where is this going? Well, it is about half way through this extremely logical and realistic fantasy that I get a pompous, self-important (was that redundant?), smug feeling. Like because I am so thoughtful and selfless and giving that God himself will grant this ticket be the sole winner. It is I, The Great and Powerful Uno that deserveth this booty!

And speaking of booty, who wants to hear more about three girls and a viagra. Because if I won the lottery let me tell you... Now back to our original programming.

As I was saying in my smuggiest of smugness, one can only assume that there will be divine intervention for such a selfless act. And I really do reflect on the part that God will play in me winning the lottery. Which I know is very sad because I'm sure she is not up there looking down and saying, "Yes, yes, the idiot who hath repeatedly committed each and every one of thy seven deadly sins, who picks his nose and rubs it into the carpet and terrorizes the poor cat when "she" is not around, Him, he is thy (Because God says thy and not the) he is thy one who shalt win the mega millions!

No, it's more like "Hey Jesus, every time this guy buys a lottery ticket I give him stomach-pumping diarhea and he loses 5 hairs on his head for good!"

Seriously though some of you who are reading this may be a recipient of my money if I do end up winning the big one so pray for me... And if you are still waiting for the three girls and a viagra keep waiting, the only way you'll reach that fantasy is if you win the lottery!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. -Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)

The charity that hastens to proclaim its good deeds, ceases to be charity, and is only pride and ostentation. -William Hutton

Stop rolling down hill like a snowball headed for hell!

Merle Haggard everybody! There are so many things that piss me off right now that I don't know where to begin. Does anyone remember when black folks were not allowed to drink from the same water fountains or sit at the same table or use the same door as whites? Well I would say that those reading this definitely don't but it's an undeniable fact unless you are the leader of Iran and you can say with confidence that slavery and the holocaust are bogus. Anywho, I guess the idiots finally realized that we are all people, despite our color or creed or religion and the United States has been taking great strides to combat racism and bigotry.

In come zee Germans... You have to say 'zee' instead of 'the' when saying zee Germans. Let me just tell you that Europe's socialist/communist attitudes and outlandish political correctness really piss me off. And the reason I led with a refresher on the horrors of forcing people to be separate because of their differences is because Germany, in it's infinite wisdom has built separate entrances in schools for Christians and Muslims! WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? What the hell happened to celebrate diversity? Are zee Germans promoting separate but equal? Are we going down the slippery slope here in the US? Now I understand that separating blacks and whites in the US and what is happening in Europe (trust me it will continue) are separate issues but I believe they are born of the same simple-minded, irrational, ignorant thinking and are extreme cases of bigotry and racism. What happens when one entrance is different than the other? Will parents sue because their children are being treated unfairly because of their religion? Where does this madness end? Hopefully the next generation will wisen up and this political correctness that is separating our diversity will disappear like the Republicans did in the last elections!

Nextly, a word that I am sure has been said before but if undocumented then I will take credit for it... Nextly we have the Socialized Medicine issue. Works great for Europe! In actuality it's just a way for our government to extort money from you. I say take that extra money and pay the teachers and police officers and firemen and postal workers and military personnel and etc. more money. Do we really need the government to satisfy all of our needs? Is that what we want, a bloated, fat beauracracy living off the fruits of our labor while the middle class sinks slowly into poverty and the upper class thrive? Is this not just another way for bureaucrats to make more money on us? Are you that stupid and helpless that you need Big Brother to walk you down the street? Yea, that's what I want... I'm angry!!! And I know there are always two sides to every argument but after reading them I just can't stomach the thought of more government!

Speaking of taxes, can you imagine how much more of your paycheck won't be cashed by you if we increase taxes for the Al Gore global warming effort and paying for everyone's cheapened medical insurance? Is anyone else pissed or does no one care where this is heading?

Guess what... Some idiot decided that Maryland should allow illegal aliens in-state tuition for all of it's state schools... And our Governor signed it happily! Not military personnel, legal immigrants, citizens, Americans, students with visas, people who don't break the law, but illegal immigrants now receive in-state tuition in Maryland. That means that a person who lives in Alexandria, just across the border in Virginia (for those of you who do not know your geography, Maryland is north of Virginia), must pay 22K per year to attend Maryland or UMBC or Towson. A woman in the military must pay 22K per year to attend Salisbury even if she is statoned in Maryland but a person who has entered our country illegally, snubbing each and every immigrant that has painstakingly come into this country legally, needs only pay 7K... CAN ANYONE JUSTIFY THIS TO ME!!! PS. In the infinite wisdom of who might be the biggest idiot in Maryland, Baltimore City Councilman and giant douchebag Melvin Stukes has compared people who oppose the bill that would allow ILLEGAL immigrants to get better treatment than any person not living in Maryland with the 3/5ths compromise. This compromise between the south and the north basically said that every five slaves votes only counted as three. So Mr. Melvin Stukes seems to think that not wanting to allow ILLEGAL immigrants in-state tuition is comparable to only counting a black man as 3/5ths of a person... And that may be the two most uncomparable issues! I would take grave offense if I was a descendant of slaves in America! Hell, why not compare the holocaust to the hardships of waiting in line at the MVA (or DMV for non-Maryland residents). Yea, waiting in line sucks!

And another thing, I have suffered through the smoking ban on privately-owned restaurants and I am not even a smoker... I've sat idly by as the county extorts money from beer and wine establishments as well as bars and restaurants. But please answer me this... Will people magically become skinny if we ban trans-fats? Well Montgomery County decided that all of it's restaurants, it's privately owned restaurants who must buy alcohol through the county and cannot have people smoking in their establishment should not be allowed to use trans-fat when they cook. I noticed that New York City looked a lot skinnier... Thanks Big Brother for watching out for my weight, if you would check for me, I'm not sure if I wiped my ass cleanly... But thankfully I know that even though I live a sedentary lifestyle and eat like a horse the fact that you have forced privately owned businesses to stop cooking with trans-fat the weight will magically fall off. Thank you Oh wise government official! Hopefully we can get all food banned that has anything fatty and eventually we will all be forced to eat vegetables grown by the government... GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE!!!

Apparently people hate the wilderness. If they can't see it on the new show Planet Earth then they don't want it. How do I know this you ask? Well, the newspaper had an article about the housing problem in Clarksburg, Maryland and said that even though it is a rural part of Montgomery County you can still find state of the art shopping centers and brand new residential communities... And my future wife put it perfectly... "If you can overlook the trees and nature and the displaced animals you should find some suitable areas to live." Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of expansion and capitalism but are state-of-the-art shopping centers more alluring to home buyers than verdant areas and bucolic scenery? (I have waited years to use those words). I think that people look down upon people who live in rural areas, considering them less intelligent and ignorant. But who's ignorant in that situation? And I guess the housing guru's have tried to eliminate all aspects of rural life while appealing to the "community" aspect... Makes me sick!

There is so much more that pisses me off but I don't have the breath or the cartilage in my hands to finish. I welcome your comments!

Americans are so enamored of equality that they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom. - Alexis de Tocqueville - "Democracy in America" (1835)

A man who thinks of himself as belonging to a particular national group in America has not yet become an American. - Woodrow Wilson

California is going to be a Hispanic State and anyone who doesn't like it should leave. - Mario Obledo, president of the Californian Coalition of Hispanic Organisations

My addiction update

Ok, so there have been some minor setbacks in my attempt to quit smokeless tobacco. First off it was totally unfair that less than one week after I quit we got snow. And the rule with plowing is that you must have some sort of vice if you are going to drive back and forth for 10 hours plus. So, I bought a can of chew. The first chew that I had of course was phenomenal, I think it ranked up there with orgasm and catching a winning touchdown pass... Ofcourse falling in love ranks way above any of those! I felt awfully guilty especially because my fiance' was sitting at home not smoking and there I was enjoying my favorite vice.

I made myself feel better when I bought the can by buying tootsie pops in hopes that it would curb my voracious appetite for smokeless tobacco. It was a lame idea at best although until then I had forgot how much I enjoyed tootsie pops. Anyways, it wasn't 15 minutes after I had bought the can that I sucked down 20 ounces of scalding hot coffee to rejoin with my former life partner. As I explained before my first chew was fantastic but my second chew was terrible. I had it tucked safely and succulently between my cheek and gum for no more than 5 minutes when I reluctantly spit it out. My stomach was hurting and I felt that my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I think I even had the cold sweats but that could have been because all of the drugs that I was on... Just Kidding! Finally depression had set in because I thought that I may never enjoy another chew. Ofcourse that is the point of quitting I assume but this did not enter my thoughts.

As the night closed I decided to have one more chew. Three chews in seven hours is not bad, and thankfully the third mouth full of joy was similar to the first... it was just as I had remembered it before... marvelous! It may have lasted for a euphoric 5 minutes or 45 minutes but all I knew was that I would have to enjoy every second. When I finally spit it out half way to my house at 2:30 am, I dumped out the remaining goodness in a can with a tear in my eye.

Since then I have been nicotine free, until last night. I went to a place called Growler's where I met my family for a birthday dinner. The food was unbelievable and the beer was fantastic. After dinner I went upstairs with my family for some drinks and live music. I'm not much of a go out type of guy anymore because of the "typical bar scene" but Growler's was totally different, a place I will probably make "MY BAR"! I spent the whole night in conversation, not thinking about nicotine even though alcohol always increases my addictive awareness. As we walked out I lit up a cigarette, smoked half of it and then threw it away, completely regretting the whole situation.

Did I mention that I hate cancer? Well I really hate cancer!

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -Mae West (1892-1980)

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. -Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Stop rolling down hill like a snowball headed for hell!

Merle Haggard everybody! There are so many things that piss me off right now that I don't know where to begin. Does anyone remember when black folks were not allowed to drink from the same water fountains or sit at the same table or use the same door as whites? Well I would say that those reading this definitely don't but it's an undeniable fact unless you are the leader of Iran and you can say with confidence that slavery and the holocaust are bogus. Anywho, I guess the idiots finally realized that we are all people, despite our color or creed or religion and the United States has been taking great strides to combat racism and bigotry.

In come zee Germans... You have to say 'zee' instead of 'the' when saying zee Germans. Let me just tell you that Europe's socialist/communist attitudes and outlandish political correctness really piss me off. And the reason I led with a refresher on the horrors of forcing people to be separate because of their differences is because Germany, in it's infinite wisdom has built separate entrances in schools for Christians and Muslims! WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? What the hell happened to celebrate diversity? Are zee Germans promoting separate but equal? Are we going down the slippery slope here in the US? Now I understand that separating blacks and whites in the US and what is happening in Europe (trust me it will continue) are separate issues but I believe they are born of the same simple-minded, irrational, ignorant thinking and are extreme cases of bigotry and racism. What happens when one enterance is different than the other? Will parents sue because their children are being treated unfairly because of their religion? Where does this madness end? Hopefully the next generation will wisen up and this political correctness that is separating our diversity will disappear like the Republicans did in the last elections!

Nextly, a word that I am sure has been said before but if undocumented then I will take credit for it... Nextly we have the Socialized Medicine issue. Works great for Europe! In actuality it's just a way for our government to extort money from you. I say take that extra money and pay the teachers and police officers and firemen and postal workers and military personnel and etc. more money. Do we really need the governement to satisfy all of our needs? Is that what we want, a bloated, fat beauracracy living off the fruits of our labor while the middle class sinks slowly into poverty and the upper class thrive? Is this not just another way for bureaucrats to make more money on us? Are you that stupid and helpless that you need Big Brother to walk you down the street? Yea, that's what I want... I'm angry!!! And I know there are always two sides to every argument but after reading them I just can't stomach the thought of more government!

Speaking of taxes, can you imagine how much more of your paycheck won't be cashed by you if we increase taxes for the Al Gore global warming effort and paying for everyone's cheapened medical insurance? Is anyone else pissed or does no one care where this is heading?

Guess what... Some idiot decided that Maryland should allow illegal aliens in-state tuition for all of it's state schools... And our Governor signed it happily! Not military personnel, legal immigrants, citizens, Americans, students with visas, people who don't break the law, but illegal immigrants now receive in-state tuition in Maryland. That means that a person who lives in Alexandria, just across the border in Virginia (for those of you who do not know your geography, Maryland is north of Virginia), must pay 22K per year to attend Maryland or UMBC or Towson. A woman in the military must pay 22K per year to attend Salisbury even if she is statoned in Maryland but a person who has entered our country illegally, snubbing each and every immigrant that has painstakingly come into this country legally, needs only pay 7K... CAN ANYONE JUSTIFY THIS TO ME!!! PS. In the infinite wisdom of who might be the biggest idiot in Maryland, Baltimore City Councilman and giant douchebag Melvin Stukes has compared people who oppose the bill that would allow ILLEGAL immigrants to get better treatment than any person not living in Maryland with the 3/5ths compromise. This compromise between the south and the north basically said that every five slaves votes only counted as three. So Mr. Melvin Stukes seems to think that not wanting to allow ILLEGAL immigrants in-state tuition is comparable to only counting a black man as 3/5ths of a person... And that may be the two most uncomparable issues! I would take grave offense if I was a descendant of slaves in America! Hell, why not compare the holocaust to the hardships of waiting in line at the MVA (or DMV for non-Maryland residents). Yea, waiting in line sucks!

And another thing, I have suffered through the smoking ban on privately-owned restaurants and I am not even a smoker... I've sat idly by as the county extorts money from beer and wine establishments as well as bars and restaurants. But please answer me this... Will people magically become skinny if we ban trans-fats? Well Montgomery County decided that all of it's restaurants, it's privately owned restaurants who must buy alcohol through the county and cannot have people smoking in their establishment should not be allowed to use trans-fat when they cook. I noticed that New York City looked a lot skinnier... Thanks Big Brother for watching out for my weight, if you would check for me, I'm not sure if I wiped my ass cleanly... But thankfully I know that even though I live a sedentary lifestyle and eat like a horse the fact that you have forced privately owned businesses to stop cooking with trans-fat the weight will magically fall off. Thank you Oh wise government official! Hopefully we can get all food banned that has anything fatty and eventually we will all be forced to eat vegetables grown by the government... GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE!!!

Apparently people hate the wilderness. If they can't see it on the new show Planet Earth then they don't want it. How do I know this you ask? Well, the newspaper had an article about the housing problem in Clarksburg, Maryland and said that even though it is a rural part of Montgomery County you can still find state of the art shopping centers and brand new residential communities... And my future wife put it perfectly... "If you can overlook the trees and nature and the displaced animals you should find some suitable areas to live." Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of expansion and capitalism but are state-of-the-art shopping centers more alluring to home buyers than verdant areas and bucolic scenery? (I have waited years to use those words). I think that people look down upon people who live in rural areas, considering them less intelligent and ignorant. But who's ignorant in that situation? And I guess the housing guru's have tried to eliminate all aspects of rural life while appealing to the "community" aspect... Makes me sick!

There is so much more that pisses me off but I don't have the breath or the cartilage in my hands to finish. I welcome your comments!

Americans are so enamored of equality that they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom. - Alexis de Tocqueville - "Democracy in America" (1835)

A man who thinks of himself as belonging to a particular national group in America has not yet become an American. - Woodrow Wilson

California is going to be a Hispanic State and anyone who doesn't like it should leave. - Mario Obledo, president of the Californian Coalition of Hispanic Organisations

For my Readers

I have changed the comment line so anyone can comment instead of just members. Not that anyone will comment but this makes me look like I am popular in the blog community.

And check out Roth's new baby on his blog, Your Wasting Your Time...

Also, this is for the person who complained about not being able to make a comment without signing up!

Quien mas macho? Fernando Llamas o Ricardo Montoban?
Quien mas macho Senor Llamas... o Montoban?
Graciella!
Ooh, that eez a hard juan... Fernando Llamas?
Graciella no... Fernando Llamas es no mas macho de Ricardo Montoban!

That rifle on the wall of the laborer's cottage or working class flat is the symbol of democracy. It is our job to see that it stays there! - George Orwell, Orwell: The Authorized Biography (1940) by Michael Shelden

The Green Scam

Is anyone seriously considering this carbon credit or carbon offsets BS? It sounds great on the outside but the more I read it the more I realize it is just another way for private citizens and corporations to shirk their duties to mother earth! Picture if you will a typical family of four. This family of four uses two automobiles, flies commercial airlines, still has a "real" fireplace and uses other energy sources that emit carbon into the atmosphere. So some intellectual came up with a system or formula that can tell us how much carbon a typical family of four can safely emit each month. For arguments sake let's say that it is 100 tons of carbon each month for a family of four. Well this specific family only puts out 80 tons of carbon. Therefore there are 20 less tons of carbon going into our atmosphere. Sounds like a first step towards quelling the global warming hysteria.

However, certain people who are supposed to be the beacon of light for the underprivileged and who's new life goal is to lower the world's carbon consumption are screwing us two-fold. Specifically I am talking about the great humanitarian Al Gore. Until two days ago I was starting to really believe that Al Gore cared about me and my family and the future of Mother Earth despite his predilection for hysteria and sensationalism. Well slap me twice and call me Sally, he's a career politician, pig, lying bastard just like the rest of them in Washington. Let me explain:

Al Gore is a chairman of a company called Generation Investment Management and this company sells carbon offsets to businesses and private citizens as well. Al Gore buys his carbon offsets from this company. So he can simply put 20 times more carbon into the atmosphere that a normal family of four because he buys other peoples carbon emissions from himself. What a crooked bastard who has half of the world bamboozled by his sensational, Michael Moore-esque babble!

And I have heard the argument that he is on the "GREEN" plan in Tennessee which costs more but uses renewable resources like wind, water and solar power instead of fossil fuels! This has just not been proven to me nor did any of the Al Gore worshipping newspapers discuss "the green plan".

And one more thing, we all remember learning about Catholicism and Martin Luther, etc. Well one of the main reasons why Martin Luther left the church was because of JoHann Tetzel who was offering forgiveness for your sins if you would simply give him money (the church) money! So essentially Al Gore is paying off the global warming papacy, himself, so he can feel better about polluting our environment by 20% more than most humans!

Believe me I think it would be great if we could reduce the carbon emissions, not because I am a global warming freak but because that would lessen our dependency on foreign oil and put us one step ahead of the global economy! Wind, water, solar, these are all energy sources that current technology suggests will not have an effect on the atmosphere like fossil fuels and best of all we would not have to rely on other countries for these resources. In fact we would most likely lead the world into global consumption of these renewable resources. But Al Gore buying carbon offsets is like Tipper Gore going purchasing music from 2 Live Crew and Dee Snider, it's a mockery and hypocritical!

A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate. - Eric Idle

A politician thinks of the next election - a statesman of the next generation. - James Freeman Clarke

Back to Work (a boring read)

I'm going back to work... And just as I wrote those 5 words I realized I may never come up with words interesting enough to describe the feeling of going back to work. It's like opening a toy that requires AA batteries and only finding AAA batteries in the house. I mean why shouldn't one expect to find everything required to run a specific toy or gadget neatly packaged with that toy or gadget. Why do we have to buy soup in one aisle and crackers in the other or chocolate bunnies and Cadbury cream eggs only on Easter... why God?

Anyways, I think I was talking about work. I am a landscaper, and when I say the word landscaper I still question it's true meaning. In this case the word land means the stuff gravity adheres us to. And then you have scape which to an entymologist means the stemlike basal segment of the antenna of certain insects (Oh the wit is flowing through me). Of course I am referring to it's definition as a scene or view. In retrospect I should have just deleted this whole segment and started over because the definition of scape does not fall neatly into my original intentions with this blog. However I will not deprive you of my boring thoughts despite the fact that even you may find them inane. Instead I will jump to the part where I explain that while I do not feel that 90% of what I do is scaping any land, by definition it really is (as an aside I think of scaping land as changing it's grade or removing mass quantities of earth, or adding mass quantities of earth but that matters not). For instance, under the strictest definition cutting grass would qualify as scaping land as well as would mulching, planting, debris removal, etc... even fertilizing and watering could be considered scaping the land. Nonetheless the dictionary says landscaping is the "improvement" of the appearance of a landscape so now I am really sure that most of what I do is not landscaping.

Excluding the 40 some hours of snow plowing I did this winter, I had 1 week in January, all of February and 11 days in March off. Now I did lots of paperwork preparing letters for the upcoming season and so forth but all in all I did little work compared to what I do in the spring. But, there is a reason why I am writing this and it is because the idea of going back to work has given me a "case of the Mondays". Despite the fact that I will start paying myself again, lose the 25 extra pounds I packed on this winter and experience a bit of normalcy for a change it is quite depressing. Don't get me wrong, I do not want to work... I would rather be a millionaire because I would take my future wife all over the world and then buy a large piece of land and build a house where my wife and I could be baby-making machines. But alas I'm destined to a life governed by the almighty dollar. That's OK though, it's not like everyone else doesn't have to work... It's not like I'm the only one re-describing every week what I would do with my share of the money when I win the lottery. Besides, I really like what I do and I think other than the Top 10 or so glamour jobs that everyone would like to have, even you non-conformists, like pro athlete, rock star, landscaper, video game tester, blog critic, etc, I'm right where I want to be... OK, I could use a little more money but other than that life is grand.

And thanks to me writing this blog I feel much better about getting back to the grind.

A human being must have occupation if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world. Dorothy L. Sayers English mystery author (1893 - 1957)

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

James M. Barrie Scottish dramatist & novelist (1860 - 1937)

The Losing Weight Scam

My proven method of losing weight! Burn more calories than you take in... That's it... There is no magic number or food or pill or diet... I'm sick and tired of hearing new studies that basically say the same thing as they have said for the past 20 fat years... Here are the suggestions that were in the fat article that I just read:

1. Exercise in short, intense bursts (interval training) for effective fat burning after exercise.
2. Increase the amount of resistance/strength/weight training you do, to build more lean muscle. Muscle is ‘metabolically active’ and burns more calories than other body tissue even when you’re not moving.
And of course, for best results:
3. Chill on the amount of food you are eating.

Whaaaaaat!!! Chill on the food, exercise, build muscle... Well thank you Doctor Fatass, and while you are at it why don't we blame society for fat people and blame hollywood for bulimic's as well... I put on 30 pounds this off-season, fat, and when I got my physical the doctor said that I am technically obese... fat! Why, because I ate a lot of junk, sat on my ass and did nothing, fat... That is how you gain weight! Of course not many of us are trying to gain weight, we are trying to lose it! Fortunately for me I will be starting up work soon, the weight will just fall off... Why, because I exercise and burn calories... I burn more calories, fat, than I ingest!

I understand that it is a pain to exercise every day and watch what you eat and it is much easier to just ban certain foods, like banning cigarettes to quit instead of taking the responsibility for yourself, or banning trans-fats from PRIVATELY OWNED RESTAURANTS to curb the obesity (Thanks New York city, bunch of communists, that's gonna really solve the problem, it's not the portions or the constant eating or the lethargic lifestyle... no it's the oil that we fry our foods in, that is what is making New Yorkers so fat, again, bunch of communists). Just like anything else in life, unless you get government handouts, you must sacrifice something and work hard to get to a goal, and losing weight is no different! Once you have mastered your own destiny and realized that sometimes you have to bail yourself out then move to the next paragraph!

Stop falling for the fad diets... Get off your lazy ass and exercise and the next time you go down to the fridge at 2am and look for a steak sandwich with extra mayo turn your fat ass around and go back to sleep, fat... Or eat an apple... And if you choose to eat that steak sandwich, fat, then quit bitching about trans fats and poly-un-monoed trans-siberian oils!!! Quit ruining the good, fatty foods for those of us who like to eat them and can because we burn off that fat or just don't care... You are responsible for your own fat ass and not mine!!! Leave my trans-fats alone and stop believing that a pill will magically take off your excessive weight while you laze away in the easy chair and eat more than most elephants, faaaaat!

Just like forest fires, only you can prevent excessive fat on your ass!

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit. –Who Cares

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author Unknown

My Addiction

Hello you! I thought it had been quite a while since I graced the blogwaves with my beautiful and engaging writings! Here is the topic:
Yesterday, after 18 years+ of chewing God's gift to your cheek and gum, I have quit my first true love... Now I know what you are saying, he's quit numerous times before and always goes back to it... Well, you're right and I have no idea why this time will be different than others but I have got to try... "If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I must try... IIIIII've got to mister..." Anyways, if you do not have a nicotine addiction or have not tried to quit, let me tell you it's no picnic. Unless the picnic includes shaky hands, anger, delusions, anger, no nicotine and anger! For me I become very sensitive to the touch, and by sensitive I mean horny! I also have severe mood swings and my sarcasm level goes to Defcon 2. Basically I am a complete ass looking for some ass! And how many girls do you know that put out after you tell them how perfect they would be to "suck the nicotine demon" right out of you!
And the best part about the whole thing is that in our infinite wisdom my fiance' and I (yes, I'm sorry lady, I am engaged to be married) my fiance' and I (no I'm not rubbing it in) well her and I quit at the same time. No, she does not chew tobacco, although I made her do it one time and she puked all over her pants and my truck. OK, it's not like I made her do it, you know in case she reads this, she chose to do it and I inserted it, the tobacco, into her mouth! Anyway, she is a smoker and we have quit together 2 other times and it has not been that bad however she is not on the patch, meaning she gets no nicotine and I just feel extra saucy this time.
So, we quit together and I am so angry at cancer right now. I mean I can handle the gingivitis, missing teeth, gum disease, bleeding, bad breath and spitting everywhere for the rest of my life but why does it have to kill me. Why can't it just take a few teeth or require me to swish with mouthwash on a regular basis? I HATE CANCER!!!
So as day two comes to an end the nicotine in my body has just about left my system but the idea that I should be chewing tobacco when I take a shower, sit on the throne, drive, after I eat, before I eat, as I cook dinner, before bed, after coffee and while I am typing this EFFING blog will never, ever end. I have promised myself that when I turn 60 I will start chewing again... That's 28 years away... Maybe I should go buy some just in case they stop making it some day... Great idea!


Babe Ruth smoked cigars and chewed tobacco, and died of throat cancer at age 53.

He had been chewing tobacco since the age of seven.

NEJM, May 12, 1988, p. 1281, and Baseball, Ken Burns, 1994 (PBS film)

During one game of the 1986 World Series, there were a total of 24 minutes on

camera of televised images of players and coaches chewing and dipping smokeless

tobacco.

NEJM, April 9, 1987, p. 952

Just Watching the Fishes Old Chevitz!

Hello you! You know who you are... The person that always reads my posts... the one person! Thanks Mom!
But seriously, I was just surfing the net, lol, btw, urdum... and I saw that there was a story about the Bassmaster Classic. I didn't read it because I get jealous! Did you know that the announcers name at the Bassmaster Classic is Fish Fishburne? Is that a coincidence or what?
Anyways, after seeing the article I wondered how these fellas got a chance to get on the Bassmaster circuit. Is there a form you have to fill out or do you have to have more than 10 fishing rods and 17 tackle boxes? Then I started wondering about game shows! I don't know if any of you remember the old show Romper Room, where the lady had a magic mirror and it would swirl, using the most cutting edge special effects. Well I had a friend that was on the show and got to slide down the magic slide and say his name on national television.
What about Jeopardy and "The Wheel" and Deal or No Deal, etc. How does one get on these shows. I mean I am definitely no Ken Jennings but it would be nice to get on a game show and win tons of money!
But alas, tonight at 7pm I will be sitting in front of the TV, waiting for Earl and The Office, watching "The Wheel" and Jeopardy, seeing if I can be the first in the house to get the answers right.
Speaking of answers, has anyone noticed that The Wheel is really reaching these days? Last night the Bonus Round category was place and the answer was "Bingo Hall". Where do they come up with these... Bingo Hall? Is that really a place? When you walk in, is it a long corridor with famous pictures of 80-year-old women holding their winning Bingo Card up and a large check for $32.00?
Well, I'm done talking about nothing... Wish me luck in trying to get on a game show. And who knows, maybe one day Fish, I like to call him Fish like he and I have been discussing the Carolina rig versus the Texas rig for the last ten years, will be announcing that I, your esteemed blog king, have won the Bassmaster Classic!

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms. -Alan Coreck

[Television is] the triumph of machine over people.
-Fred Allen US radio comedian (1894 - 1956)

How snow removal tells us about our Government

That is an odd title I know but bare with me... After plowing for 20 straight hours I became a bit fuzzy in the head and started trying to correlate things together like apples and oranges for instance!
Open your imagination and consider this for me. Plowing reflects our government in so many ways, metaphorically speaking. Let me tell you how I came upon this nugget of incite. I had been out for about 5 hours when I noticed a guy struggling to get his Mercedes out of the snow on the side of the road. Now, driving a Mercedes we can safely assume that the man has a good deal of money. He had lost control of his car and ended up on the shoulder. Mind you this was the 3rd time I saw him on 27, within a 5 mile span. It seemed that he was going to leave his car for dead and take a cab or call someone with a truck or try and flag me down. At that moment I realized that no matter how rich he was, the plow tricks were going to swoop right by him and cover his car in snow, making it nearly impssible for him to get out.
And this is where I started thinking. The plow trucks have a job to do. That job is too quickly clear the roads to make them driveable for people. With the amount of traffic that 27 takes every day, stopping to help that one man, or a few men who happened to be stuck could be disastrous for the masses. This would cost everyone more time and money because the road was not properly done or done in time and all of the folks who would typically travel that road would have to suffer by taking a different, longer route or possibly getting stuck as well. Overall costing everyone more money and time! In essence, what is good for the masses, ie. what is going to help out more people in the long run is what needs to be done.
We plow right by his car and if he wants to get it out he will have to either pay someone to do it or... now this might shock and appall some of you... he might have to do the work for himself! Oh My Gosh!
So what about someone who cannot afford to pay someone to get his car out. And now they can't get to work and make money. Well, the plow trucks, in this instance consider the plow trucks to be government officials, cannot stop, spend the extra money to help this person while pleasing the masses. As we have seen, this would disrupt the protocol and more people would suffer for this one man. But who can help? You... Me... Himself. As private citizens we can help this person who is stuck. Really dig into your imagination and pretend that I am super rich. I could have made a call to a friend who has a winch and paid him $100.00 to help this person, or I could have raised money with my neighbors and helped out many people, or I could have driven my truck, at my own expense and personally helped as many people as I could. Of course this person could have helped himself if he were able... He might have to make some sacrifices, I know that should not be expected of individual citizens!
The idea in a nutshell is that many government funded special interests like the imaginary special interest that says if a plow truck sees a stranded motorist he must get out and help him despite the ramifications, are a waste of time and money and harm more people than they help. However, considering that one of the morning news shows did a study and found that Americans are by far the most generous nation in the world, why is it so hard to believe that these people couldn't use their privately held resources to help others?
The government did their job by plowing the roads, and salting the roads... keeping us safe from the evil that snow is...

The Players

Small plow trucks: Government officials, ie. congress
Big Plow Trucks: Presidential Administration
Snow: nukes, terrorists, poverty, general things that hurt the and their livelihood
The People: The People
Private Businesses, communities: Lobbyists, special interest groups
Money or contracts: Favors, re-election votes
Public Roads, Public arenas: Military, Cops, firefighters, teachers, govt employees


I'm not going to go through the explanation here but think about it for awhile. Just think about how horrible your commute would be, how much time and money would be sucked out of you for the many people who think the Big and Small plow trucks should take care of the snow for them instead of doing something for themselves... NO ONE IS ENTITLED!
Aesop's moral to the story: You are responsible for yourself and your family. The more you rely on the government the bigger the government gets... And the bigger the government gets the smaller your individual rights become!

A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves. - Bertrand de Jouvenel

A good government is one "which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread that it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) (inaugural address)

Quickie

I have what could be called blogger's block! What should I write about... How about people who sit on their computer on Saturday afternoons deciding on what to write on a blog that no one reads... Pathetic! I need a latte with no fat and no whip, extra hot in a Grande drinking vessel. I hate Starbucks! Have a nice weekend, your "Guru of Blogs" will be back next week!

Herstory

I love the feminist movement. It started with giving women equal rights to vote and own land and work and now it has turned into a colossal mess. Yes, all "men" were created equal in the eyes of God and therefore should be given the same rights as the next man. Should that sentence read, "...all men and women were created equal in the eyes of God and therefore should be given the same rights as the next man or women.?"

It has been harder for women to move up the corporate ladder than it has for men. And I think that women are generally stronger than men emotionally and spiritually! But for God's sake isn't changing the word history to herstory taking it a bit too far? Isn't having to add the word "women" or the word "she" or the word "woman" to every sentence getting a bit redundant. People knew what Neil Armstrong meant when he said "One giant leap for man." He meant all of humanity. I mean the guy just walked on the moon (allegedly) and he has to worry about some feminist group suing him for not including women in his speech! That is completely ruidiculous!

So I am proposing something new and I think that all men in the world and most women could care less either way. Let's change it to herstory and she and her and womankind! I don't give a damn. There are far more important things going on in this world to worry about, and offending a small population of women who think that I, as a male am somehow exerting my dominance over women by peeing standing up or saying mankind or opening a door for them is not one of them.

Men and women are different in many ways and that should be celebrated. I mean thank God that women don't look like men or the human race would quickly die out! I for one am a big fan of women! For me chivalry is not dead... far from it! I will continue to open doors for women, treat my future wife, sisters, mother, mother-in-law and all other women with the respect and dignity they well deserve. Not because I feel dominant over them or wish to exert my power over them but that they deserve to be pampered. Women rule!

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton

Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think that she's attractive to the opposite sex.- Earl Wilson

In the Spirit of Television

In my inaugural blog debut I would like to discuss a topic that has been brought up by my fellow blogger Chris at You're Wasting Your Time. As of late I have been forced to watch certain television programs that I find to be the epitomy of the dumbing down of America... Unfortunately once they are on I not only cannot turn away I have to watch the full episode... Sure I check the guide when the commercials are on to give the illusion that I am disinterested in the show but as sure as I will have hemorrhoids one day as soon as the program returns from commercial break I am wrapped up again. I hate to throw myself to the dogs, all 5 who might read this but I feel I must name a few of these episodes... First and foremost is the White Rapper Show... Give me a break, do people really talk like that in real life? And I see no talent whatsoever in any of these folks, maybe because I am not a fan of free-style rap, but once it is on I will surely be sucked in by it's tractor beam... Another one is any of the road rules shows or, well I guess the common denominator would be MTV shows! I can't stand the thought of these shows yet I find them strangely attractive, like Episode LXII of Star Trek when the female Klingon whose forehead looks like a woman's hoo-ha... sorry, I made that up, I've always wanted to quote an episode of Star Trek but I'm not that much of a Trekky! Anyways, I could go on about all of these shows that I hate to love but Sweet Sixteen is on and I think that Angela is going to get a Mercedes for her gift... like an extravagant party with 250 people and Hoobistank playing is not enough of a present!


I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. - Voltaire