3 girls and a viagra

3 girls and a viagra? What could this mean? Well I thought I would delve into the fantasy world for a minute and discuss where my brain has recently been. I don't plan on talking about sexual fantasies despite what your dirty mind may have thought when you read the title. But I did intend for you, the reader to get on the fantasy track and for most men I think the thought of three girls at the same time is a fantasy stemming back to the "sneaking a peak at Uncle Jim's Playboy's" days. As for the viagra, what's the fun if you only enjoy it for 30 seconds?

So without further adieu my most recent, and weekly occuring fantasy! Drum Roll... the lottery of course. I don't necessarily have this fantasy every week but when I think about it or when the pot gets to be over 100 million (because 10 million is not worth buying a ticket) I buy a ticket. The first thing I say to the person at the register is "If I win I won't forget you!" Which is comparable to calling someone named Matt, doormat... "Hey, do people ever wipe their feet on you?"

"Yes douche, every other time I introduce myself to someone they wipe their feet on me, it really gets on my nerves!"

So anyway I start with the cliche I won't forget you and then purchase my tickets. Typically I am by myself so my fantasies of being a millionaire are kept quiet but God forbid if you are in the car with me. "Hey, what would you do if you won the lottery..." wait a sec... wait a sec... "Cuz I know what I would do. First I would definitely take the cash, anyone who would take the annuity is stupid. I mean you can take a larger sum of money at one time and invest it so despite the penalty for taking the cash you would make up that money in no time. And I would quit my job right this second, I mean why go back to work. You would have to be a complete ninny to go back to work, unless of course you gave breast exams then the lottery would mean nothing!

So if the lottery is 100 million, they take half right off the bat and then whatever percent the government gets, say 25% and then I have about 37 million. I would take 10 million and invest it so my kids kids kids would not have to work. This would leave me with 27 million. Then I would pay off my parents bills and give then a couple million, say 5. I would send another 5 to my in-laws which would leave me with 17 million. Now I have a lot of family members but I bet with 7 million I could pay off all of their debts. I would now have 10 million left. With 4 total going to my sisters and another three to help all of my friends I would still have 3 million left and I would take a year or two and travel the world with my sweetheart. Whatever was left over from the 3 million once I return home and buy a small house on 10 acres I would give to Heroes, a charity for the families of fallen police officers.

Where is this going? Well, it is about half way through this extremely logical and realistic fantasy that I get a pompous, self-important (was that redundant?), smug feeling. Like because I am so thoughtful and selfless and giving that God himself will grant this ticket be the sole winner. It is I, The Great and Powerful Uno that deserveth this booty!

And speaking of booty, who wants to hear more about three girls and a viagra. Because if I won the lottery let me tell you... Now back to our original programming.

As I was saying in my smuggiest of smugness, one can only assume that there will be divine intervention for such a selfless act. And I really do reflect on the part that God will play in me winning the lottery. Which I know is very sad because I'm sure she is not up there looking down and saying, "Yes, yes, the idiot who hath repeatedly committed each and every one of thy seven deadly sins, who picks his nose and rubs it into the carpet and terrorizes the poor cat when "she" is not around, Him, he is thy (Because God says thy and not the) he is thy one who shalt win the mega millions!

No, it's more like "Hey Jesus, every time this guy buys a lottery ticket I give him stomach-pumping diarhea and he loses 5 hairs on his head for good!"

Seriously though some of you who are reading this may be a recipient of my money if I do end up winning the big one so pray for me... And if you are still waiting for the three girls and a viagra keep waiting, the only way you'll reach that fantasy is if you win the lottery!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. -Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)

The charity that hastens to proclaim its good deeds, ceases to be charity, and is only pride and ostentation. -William Hutton

Stop rolling down hill like a snowball headed for hell!

Merle Haggard everybody! There are so many things that piss me off right now that I don't know where to begin. Does anyone remember when black folks were not allowed to drink from the same water fountains or sit at the same table or use the same door as whites? Well I would say that those reading this definitely don't but it's an undeniable fact unless you are the leader of Iran and you can say with confidence that slavery and the holocaust are bogus. Anywho, I guess the idiots finally realized that we are all people, despite our color or creed or religion and the United States has been taking great strides to combat racism and bigotry.

In come zee Germans... You have to say 'zee' instead of 'the' when saying zee Germans. Let me just tell you that Europe's socialist/communist attitudes and outlandish political correctness really piss me off. And the reason I led with a refresher on the horrors of forcing people to be separate because of their differences is because Germany, in it's infinite wisdom has built separate entrances in schools for Christians and Muslims! WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? What the hell happened to celebrate diversity? Are zee Germans promoting separate but equal? Are we going down the slippery slope here in the US? Now I understand that separating blacks and whites in the US and what is happening in Europe (trust me it will continue) are separate issues but I believe they are born of the same simple-minded, irrational, ignorant thinking and are extreme cases of bigotry and racism. What happens when one entrance is different than the other? Will parents sue because their children are being treated unfairly because of their religion? Where does this madness end? Hopefully the next generation will wisen up and this political correctness that is separating our diversity will disappear like the Republicans did in the last elections!

Nextly, a word that I am sure has been said before but if undocumented then I will take credit for it... Nextly we have the Socialized Medicine issue. Works great for Europe! In actuality it's just a way for our government to extort money from you. I say take that extra money and pay the teachers and police officers and firemen and postal workers and military personnel and etc. more money. Do we really need the government to satisfy all of our needs? Is that what we want, a bloated, fat beauracracy living off the fruits of our labor while the middle class sinks slowly into poverty and the upper class thrive? Is this not just another way for bureaucrats to make more money on us? Are you that stupid and helpless that you need Big Brother to walk you down the street? Yea, that's what I want... I'm angry!!! And I know there are always two sides to every argument but after reading them I just can't stomach the thought of more government!

Speaking of taxes, can you imagine how much more of your paycheck won't be cashed by you if we increase taxes for the Al Gore global warming effort and paying for everyone's cheapened medical insurance? Is anyone else pissed or does no one care where this is heading?

Guess what... Some idiot decided that Maryland should allow illegal aliens in-state tuition for all of it's state schools... And our Governor signed it happily! Not military personnel, legal immigrants, citizens, Americans, students with visas, people who don't break the law, but illegal immigrants now receive in-state tuition in Maryland. That means that a person who lives in Alexandria, just across the border in Virginia (for those of you who do not know your geography, Maryland is north of Virginia), must pay 22K per year to attend Maryland or UMBC or Towson. A woman in the military must pay 22K per year to attend Salisbury even if she is statoned in Maryland but a person who has entered our country illegally, snubbing each and every immigrant that has painstakingly come into this country legally, needs only pay 7K... CAN ANYONE JUSTIFY THIS TO ME!!! PS. In the infinite wisdom of who might be the biggest idiot in Maryland, Baltimore City Councilman and giant douchebag Melvin Stukes has compared people who oppose the bill that would allow ILLEGAL immigrants to get better treatment than any person not living in Maryland with the 3/5ths compromise. This compromise between the south and the north basically said that every five slaves votes only counted as three. So Mr. Melvin Stukes seems to think that not wanting to allow ILLEGAL immigrants in-state tuition is comparable to only counting a black man as 3/5ths of a person... And that may be the two most uncomparable issues! I would take grave offense if I was a descendant of slaves in America! Hell, why not compare the holocaust to the hardships of waiting in line at the MVA (or DMV for non-Maryland residents). Yea, waiting in line sucks!

And another thing, I have suffered through the smoking ban on privately-owned restaurants and I am not even a smoker... I've sat idly by as the county extorts money from beer and wine establishments as well as bars and restaurants. But please answer me this... Will people magically become skinny if we ban trans-fats? Well Montgomery County decided that all of it's restaurants, it's privately owned restaurants who must buy alcohol through the county and cannot have people smoking in their establishment should not be allowed to use trans-fat when they cook. I noticed that New York City looked a lot skinnier... Thanks Big Brother for watching out for my weight, if you would check for me, I'm not sure if I wiped my ass cleanly... But thankfully I know that even though I live a sedentary lifestyle and eat like a horse the fact that you have forced privately owned businesses to stop cooking with trans-fat the weight will magically fall off. Thank you Oh wise government official! Hopefully we can get all food banned that has anything fatty and eventually we will all be forced to eat vegetables grown by the government... GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE!!!

Apparently people hate the wilderness. If they can't see it on the new show Planet Earth then they don't want it. How do I know this you ask? Well, the newspaper had an article about the housing problem in Clarksburg, Maryland and said that even though it is a rural part of Montgomery County you can still find state of the art shopping centers and brand new residential communities... And my future wife put it perfectly... "If you can overlook the trees and nature and the displaced animals you should find some suitable areas to live." Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of expansion and capitalism but are state-of-the-art shopping centers more alluring to home buyers than verdant areas and bucolic scenery? (I have waited years to use those words). I think that people look down upon people who live in rural areas, considering them less intelligent and ignorant. But who's ignorant in that situation? And I guess the housing guru's have tried to eliminate all aspects of rural life while appealing to the "community" aspect... Makes me sick!

There is so much more that pisses me off but I don't have the breath or the cartilage in my hands to finish. I welcome your comments!

Americans are so enamored of equality that they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom. - Alexis de Tocqueville - "Democracy in America" (1835)

A man who thinks of himself as belonging to a particular national group in America has not yet become an American. - Woodrow Wilson

California is going to be a Hispanic State and anyone who doesn't like it should leave. - Mario Obledo, president of the Californian Coalition of Hispanic Organisations

My addiction update

Ok, so there have been some minor setbacks in my attempt to quit smokeless tobacco. First off it was totally unfair that less than one week after I quit we got snow. And the rule with plowing is that you must have some sort of vice if you are going to drive back and forth for 10 hours plus. So, I bought a can of chew. The first chew that I had of course was phenomenal, I think it ranked up there with orgasm and catching a winning touchdown pass... Ofcourse falling in love ranks way above any of those! I felt awfully guilty especially because my fiance' was sitting at home not smoking and there I was enjoying my favorite vice.

I made myself feel better when I bought the can by buying tootsie pops in hopes that it would curb my voracious appetite for smokeless tobacco. It was a lame idea at best although until then I had forgot how much I enjoyed tootsie pops. Anyways, it wasn't 15 minutes after I had bought the can that I sucked down 20 ounces of scalding hot coffee to rejoin with my former life partner. As I explained before my first chew was fantastic but my second chew was terrible. I had it tucked safely and succulently between my cheek and gum for no more than 5 minutes when I reluctantly spit it out. My stomach was hurting and I felt that my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I think I even had the cold sweats but that could have been because all of the drugs that I was on... Just Kidding! Finally depression had set in because I thought that I may never enjoy another chew. Ofcourse that is the point of quitting I assume but this did not enter my thoughts.

As the night closed I decided to have one more chew. Three chews in seven hours is not bad, and thankfully the third mouth full of joy was similar to the first... it was just as I had remembered it before... marvelous! It may have lasted for a euphoric 5 minutes or 45 minutes but all I knew was that I would have to enjoy every second. When I finally spit it out half way to my house at 2:30 am, I dumped out the remaining goodness in a can with a tear in my eye.

Since then I have been nicotine free, until last night. I went to a place called Growler's where I met my family for a birthday dinner. The food was unbelievable and the beer was fantastic. After dinner I went upstairs with my family for some drinks and live music. I'm not much of a go out type of guy anymore because of the "typical bar scene" but Growler's was totally different, a place I will probably make "MY BAR"! I spent the whole night in conversation, not thinking about nicotine even though alcohol always increases my addictive awareness. As we walked out I lit up a cigarette, smoked half of it and then threw it away, completely regretting the whole situation.

Did I mention that I hate cancer? Well I really hate cancer!

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -Mae West (1892-1980)

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. -Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)