Happily Performing my Civic Duty

Law Enforcement... To some this is a bad word. And more times than not these are the same people that bitch when the police don't show up in 3.75 seconds. But I'm not here to convince you that most police officers, who risk their lives for your safety on a daily basis are underpaid and under-appreciated (even though I just said it), I'm merely letting you know how I support law enforcement and the fine men and women who are a part of it...

I drink... And I drink a lot. Right now you are scratching your head wondering how on earth this could help law enforcement. Well I'll tell you!

Every 6 months or so a few brave men and women of a local county (not to mention all over the country) sign up to become police officers. They study law books, work out, eat, sleep and defecate (this is a clean blog) rules on being a police officer. I personally do not know how tough police officer training is but when I see a 500 pound police officer I assume it is fairly easy. However like I said I really have no idea! Anyways if I am correct all officers go from training to being a patrol officer. This means they do traffic stops, respond to domestic violence, robberies, stabbings, shootings, gang fights, etc. And one of the most difficult and dangerous things for them to do is make traffic stops. But we are not going to get into that per say. What I want to focus on is DUI's.

Now you may think that the law is on the officer's side but in the wake of Rodney King and a very small amount of other situations where the officers, with only seconds to decide what to do in the face of possible injury or death, made the wrong decision and that decision was sent expediently across mainstream airwaves, the law has almost turned it's back against these officers.

Fear not because I am here to help. Officers are faced almost daily with drunk drivers. And many of our esteemed lawyers feel it is their responsibility to save these lawbreakers by attacking the officer and making the drunk driver out to be a victim. So for this it is imperative that new officers have the proper training to correctly assess a drunk driver, correctly test them and correctly charge them with the proper crime. And I am just the man to help them.

Tonight I will be picked up in an unmarked police car and driven to the training academy. There I will be served the alcoholic beverage of my choice while being closely monitored by trained officers. Along with about 15 to 20 other people we will play drinking games, socialize and consume. Keep in mind that we are monitored and heavy, excessive drinking is prohibited. Anyways, after about three hours of partying we will be given a breathalyser test and taken to the gymnasium where 20 to 40 new recruits will be testing what they have learned out on real drunks. The eye test, the stand on one foot test and the walking test will be administered to me. It is quite fun and great practice for when I get pulled over. However no one can escape the eye test. When you get drunk your eyes shake uncontrollably so no matter how "good" you think you are you are still busted.

Once the training session is over we are brought into another room where we stand up in front of the new recruits and they tell us whether or not we would have been arrested. Once that is determined our BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) is revealed and we are free to go home. I'm sorry, what I meant was we are escorted home in an unmarked police vehicle.

The last time I was tested my BAC was .09, which is legally drunk. Out of the 6 groups that tested me five of them would have arrested me. However the first time that I did it my BAC was also .09 but only 2 of the 7 groups would have arrested me. And in each group that arrested me I knew two of the officers and I think they just assumed that I was drunk.

Anyway, that is my Tuesday night and that is how I feel good about performing my civic duties... I consider myself a patriot! What do you do for your country?

PS. It is Thursday and I have some news. The training was a success. I had 16 ounces of Jack Daniel's and blew a goat... just kidding I blew a .11. Every officer that tested me did arrest me so for this class it sounds like we have some good men and women that will soon be protecting us. Nothing exciting to report although I am even more sure that I'm marrying the right woman. There happened to be 5 men and about 15 women at the training. 12 of these women were in their 20's. I had no interest in these girls... However I did spend the evening yacking it up with one woman that graduated high school a year prior to my Dad and the other two were older than I although I did not ask their ages. And I had a great time. I guess I really learned a few things at my pre-cana classes...

"Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected." -George Washington

"They speak of my drinking but never think of my thirst" -Scottish Proverb

A bit of Anger Management

This blog sucks but I'm bored and felt like typing something!

Lately I have been able to manage my anger in ways I never thought possible. For instance yesterday I managed to get angry at another driver. This particular person was not in my way, not cutting me off and maybe 5oo feet from me in another lane going another way. Still, I managed to get angry with her. You see in my little town there is a light. And this light stops people from inadvertently slamming into each other. There is one lane from three directions and three lanes from the other direction (if you don't understand then stop reading, go into your garage and turn on your car (STOP... do not do what I just told you to do)). So from the one side that has three lanes only two of them go straight. One veers to the right and blends in with traffic. For those of you who ever come North on 27 through Damascus, YOU DO NOT NEED TO STOP HERE! There is no white line to stop at, there is no light above the lane and there absolutely is no humanly way to mix this up... Unless of course you are the idiot that sat at the non-light this morning as I drove by with a line of traffic bottle-necked behind her. And to top it off when the light turned green she yielded for the non-oncoming traffic even though there is no yield sign and a clearly marked lane where SHE has the right-of-way! And as usual I have artistically led into the next paragraph!

Road signs are our friend. If you come upon a sign that says, let me think of something off the top of my head... YIELD then you should know what to do. Most likely there is oncoming traffic where you need to merge with. On occasion there is no merge lane and you will see a sign that says NO MERGE LANE. At this point you need to stop and observe the oncoming traffic until you can safely enter the driving lane. Please increase your speed immediately as the traffic behind you is coming up fast and accelerating to there speed, or at least the speed limit is vital. But more often than not there is a lane to merge. Do not come to a complete stop here. You have a lane and this is designed for you to continue driving, without stopping until you have reached the same speed as the traffic you are trying to merge with so you can enter the driving lane. Put your damn blinker on, speed up and don't stop. Stopping could cause a serious accident and then God will deem you an idiot.

And almost on a daily basis I manage to get angry at idiots entering the highway. just because you have your blinker on does not mean that you have access to leave the merge lane (see above) and enter the driving lane. It is imperative that you increase your speed to the same speed as those on the highway BEFORE you enter the driving lane. If the speed limit is 55 MPH then your ass better be going at least 55 mph before you plan to merge. This to me is the definition of common sense but every time I am on the highway some douche wants to get in front of me going 30 mph

And for God's sake do not drive in the fast lane, ever... The left lane of the highway is designed for passing those on the right. There is nothing more angering than some idiot driving too slow in the left "fast" lane. Or some putz driving the exact speed limit in the middle lane and people are passing them on the right. A good rule of thumb is that if you are being passed on the left then you are in the wrong lane... Get over... There is nothing wrong with driving slow as long as you are in the slow lane...

If you follow these simple rules then I will not have to send my goons to kick your ass and take your license.

Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves. -Larry McMurtry

Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?

Where do these sayings come from? Has anyone done the research? Was PETA notified before the "scientist" removed the leg of the duck (refer to the title)? The reason why I ask these questions is because I have been hearing these for years. "Does a bear shit in the woods", "Is the Pope catholic?", "Does a frog bump his ass when he hops?" and many others. In fact over the years of having these sayings pumped into my little brain even I have been known to say them. It's kind of like a rural brain-washing. I also love trucks, chew tobacco, have an American flag magnet and wear jeans to work.

So to my next point (if there was a point in the first paragraph) does anyone else feel like they are being misrepresented by our government... For the people and by the people. In a representative democracy we choose our leaders by vote. These are the folks who are supposed to be the voice of the people. Servants of the people if you will! It might just be me but I don't feel like lying, embezzlement, racketeering, bribery, etc. are the qualities I look for in an elected official! I know, I'm crazy!

I guess this comes up because I have recently been acquainted with the "Fairness Doctrine". For those of you not familiar with the "Fairness Doctrine" I suggest you read about it if you are at all concerned about your freedom of speech. I mean are we paying these people to raise their salaries every year and continue to legislate tyranny? And this issue is not a left/right issue although the conservatives would be hurt most by the reintroduction of this "communesque" (I made that word up) piece of legislation. The right to free speech is paramount to keeping a free country.

Here is the first sentence of a description about the "Fairness Doctrine.
"The policy of the United States Federal Communications Commission that became known as the "Fairness Doctrine" is an attempt to ensure that all coverage of controversial issues by a broadcast station be balanced and fair."

Are you kidding me! Let's break this down shall we? Who determines what a controversial issue is? I picture some fat white guy sitting on a throne and the leaders of our political parties waiting eagerly for him to judge each and every issue. "I deem issue 549743 to be non-controversial... I have spoken!" And what the hell is balanced. Did Fox news start this silly trend. If something is balanced would it not reflect every aspect of an issue and every view of every American... That's friggin impossible! So balanced is out... What about fair? How can you expect someone who already has a bias to be fair. It's human nature to be more passionate about something that you believe in and people can pick up on body language, voice tone, etc. when you are trying to argue one point or another. Even more so why does everything have to be fair. I mean I could argue that I don't think it is fair that there are more Democrats in congress than Republicans or that it is not fair that there are only two political parties. Life is not fair so quit bitching and deal with it! This is so arbitrary. Can you imagine the wasted taxpayer money when we start taking "fairness" issues to court.

One more quick point on that. Someone correct me if I'm wrong but the Constitution does say "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" doesn't it? Liberty... what does that mean to you? To me it means that I am privileged to practice my beliefs, share my thoughts and voice my opinion without fear of government or private interference. In fact the government should protect my rights to have these beliefs. And don't say by being public about my beliefs that I am pushing them on you because you have every right to stop reading this. You can change the channel, walk away, voice your opposition and you can do that with the knowledge that you are protected by the constitution. Disclaimer: Remember that you are only protected if you don't infringe on anyone else's rights. So don't argue to me that I'm saying people are protected when they threaten the life of someone or spread lies knowingly (slander). Sure they are free to do it but this infringes on another's liberty and therefore the government needs to step in.

Finally what gets me, and I certainly used to be a one-sided political idiot, is that people still think that one political cult is better than the other. In theory I do have a political side but as far as I can tell Washington does not reflect my views whatsoever! And the worst part about it is that we are moving at light speed towards a bigger government who believes they know what is best for me in my life. Socialism is not good for America people. We did not ascend to a world power in less than 200 years by handing out ribbons to every citizen.

In closing I would just like to say that if someone were to ask me if I thought the current trend of lawmakers who are systematically taking away my personal freedoms and rights pisses me off you know what I would say...

Does a one-legged horse sit down?

Those who call for censorship in the name of the oppressed ought to recognize it is never the oppressed who determine the bounds of censorship. - Aryeh Neier, Civil Libertarian

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it - Mark Twain

In some of its more lunatic aspects, political correctness is merely ridiculous. But in the thinking behind it, there is something more sinister which is shown by the fact that already there are certain areas and topics where freedom of speech, in the sense of the right to open and frank discussion, is being gradually but significantly eroded. - Retiring Judge Neil Denison, who as Common Serjeant of London since 1993 was one of Britain's most prominent judges, as quoted by the London Daily Telegraph.

Welcome Back, Kotter

If my name were Kotter I would say thank you but alas my parents chose the name Matthew to dictate my future. If my Dad had a say in it I would currently be serving two life sentences with Ted Kaczynski as Marshall Montgomery! Anyways it has been quite a while since my last blog... not by choice though! Believe you me (another of the phrases I hate but have always wanted to use properly) I would much rather spend my days gnawing on beef jerky and typing my thoughts as they come out. Of course I would be a fatass with mouth cancer and carpal tunnel but sometimes the price of greatness outweighs the ass in the chair!

I have many, many thoughts to convey to my reader. First off I am greatly displeased at the current situation we are facing, not only here in Montgomery County Maryland but all across the country. It seems our elected officials, on both sides of the political aisle have made it their job, as if God himself or Darwin whichever philosophy you adhere too, has given them some divine power to know what is good for me and you. I'm going to touch on this, or should I say unapologetically rant about this in my next blog so I won't go to much into it but does anyone else feel like the government has grown out of it's britches! (Gotten too big for it's britches for those of you who didn't understand my last sentence!

Onto another topic... My tobacco update. It's been a few long, grueling months but I have managed to keep up my 1 can a day habit like a pro. You see I work outside every day and nothing says redneck like a farmer's tan and a ring forever emblazoned in your back pocket. As a landscaper by trade I must live up to my stereotype! So I have set another quit date, sometime between now and my wedding which is quickly approaching!

It takes a certified genius to end a paragraph with such a great lead in for the next. My wedding... It's just around the corner... 56 days to be exact! And as most men do I engage in the anti-marriage banter, gazing into the sky as I relive my bachelor days, feigning regret and cussing myself... In truth I'm in love and more than ready to make this commitment! After talking with many married men about their lives I can tell the ones that are truly happy. These are the guys that never have a bad thing to say about marriage and I know that one day someone will ask me about married life and I'll be just like them... Happy!

OK, enough with the mushy stuff. I am a sentimental bastard so if I don't cut myself off I might start typing eloquent soliloquies and I don't need any of the single women who read my blog flooding me with love notes or married men angrily attacking me because their wives say "Why can't you say things to me like he types!"

I want to next touch on bragging. See, the lead ins are magnificent. As a blogger it's fun to be something you typically aren't. For instance I started writing another blog, due out within the week, where I am a large Asian man with 6 digits on my left hand. What I mean is don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful!

In closing I would just like to say that I will be making a better effort to grace my reader with more inane writings and Psychological Wanderlust! I hope you'll join me!

One other thing before I go... Today I was in a class all day with about 100 other people. After each speaker the class would clap and then wait until the next speaker set up his power point presentation. Yes 8 straight hours but that is not the point. As the last speaker wrapped up people were edging towards the door anticipating the long line to get their certificate. To be congenial towards the speaker I reluctantly sat in my chair and waited for him to finish. And for the first time in my life I was the first person to clap and if you have never started a "clapping wave" with 100+ people I suggest it.

"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy." Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1842-1912)