Happily Performing my Civic Duty

Law Enforcement... To some this is a bad word. And more times than not these are the same people that bitch when the police don't show up in 3.75 seconds. But I'm not here to convince you that most police officers, who risk their lives for your safety on a daily basis are underpaid and under-appreciated (even though I just said it), I'm merely letting you know how I support law enforcement and the fine men and women who are a part of it...

I drink... And I drink a lot. Right now you are scratching your head wondering how on earth this could help law enforcement. Well I'll tell you!

Every 6 months or so a few brave men and women of a local county (not to mention all over the country) sign up to become police officers. They study law books, work out, eat, sleep and defecate (this is a clean blog) rules on being a police officer. I personally do not know how tough police officer training is but when I see a 500 pound police officer I assume it is fairly easy. However like I said I really have no idea! Anyways if I am correct all officers go from training to being a patrol officer. This means they do traffic stops, respond to domestic violence, robberies, stabbings, shootings, gang fights, etc. And one of the most difficult and dangerous things for them to do is make traffic stops. But we are not going to get into that per say. What I want to focus on is DUI's.

Now you may think that the law is on the officer's side but in the wake of Rodney King and a very small amount of other situations where the officers, with only seconds to decide what to do in the face of possible injury or death, made the wrong decision and that decision was sent expediently across mainstream airwaves, the law has almost turned it's back against these officers.

Fear not because I am here to help. Officers are faced almost daily with drunk drivers. And many of our esteemed lawyers feel it is their responsibility to save these lawbreakers by attacking the officer and making the drunk driver out to be a victim. So for this it is imperative that new officers have the proper training to correctly assess a drunk driver, correctly test them and correctly charge them with the proper crime. And I am just the man to help them.

Tonight I will be picked up in an unmarked police car and driven to the training academy. There I will be served the alcoholic beverage of my choice while being closely monitored by trained officers. Along with about 15 to 20 other people we will play drinking games, socialize and consume. Keep in mind that we are monitored and heavy, excessive drinking is prohibited. Anyways, after about three hours of partying we will be given a breathalyser test and taken to the gymnasium where 20 to 40 new recruits will be testing what they have learned out on real drunks. The eye test, the stand on one foot test and the walking test will be administered to me. It is quite fun and great practice for when I get pulled over. However no one can escape the eye test. When you get drunk your eyes shake uncontrollably so no matter how "good" you think you are you are still busted.

Once the training session is over we are brought into another room where we stand up in front of the new recruits and they tell us whether or not we would have been arrested. Once that is determined our BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) is revealed and we are free to go home. I'm sorry, what I meant was we are escorted home in an unmarked police vehicle.

The last time I was tested my BAC was .09, which is legally drunk. Out of the 6 groups that tested me five of them would have arrested me. However the first time that I did it my BAC was also .09 but only 2 of the 7 groups would have arrested me. And in each group that arrested me I knew two of the officers and I think they just assumed that I was drunk.

Anyway, that is my Tuesday night and that is how I feel good about performing my civic duties... I consider myself a patriot! What do you do for your country?

PS. It is Thursday and I have some news. The training was a success. I had 16 ounces of Jack Daniel's and blew a goat... just kidding I blew a .11. Every officer that tested me did arrest me so for this class it sounds like we have some good men and women that will soon be protecting us. Nothing exciting to report although I am even more sure that I'm marrying the right woman. There happened to be 5 men and about 15 women at the training. 12 of these women were in their 20's. I had no interest in these girls... However I did spend the evening yacking it up with one woman that graduated high school a year prior to my Dad and the other two were older than I although I did not ask their ages. And I had a great time. I guess I really learned a few things at my pre-cana classes...

"Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected." -George Washington

"They speak of my drinking but never think of my thirst" -Scottish Proverb