Psychological Wanderlust

Who would I like to meet most?

2009-03-14T08:55:00.003-05:00

Originally this blog was going to be solely dedicated to Suicidal Tendencies but as I was writing I started thinking about who I would really like to meet. Of course Mike Muir is in my top 5 so I will start with him and then move on down the line as I think of them.
After my last few blogs I got so excited about Suicidal that I had to write something. No, I'm not suicidal although I did cut my wrist once with hedge trimmers and it looks like a botched attempt at ending my life...
What I want to discuss is the coolest band of all time, Suicidal Tendencies. I started listening to them when I was about 14 years old. At the time I simply liked the groovy beats mixed in with anger, not to mention the fact that my friends were listening to them too. It was not until later that I realized Mike Muir is much more than a bad ass front man, he's also an intellectual.
Now I can't say that every song has a hidden meaning but he is a genius nonetheless. Anyways, their music has funky beats and thrashing sounds mixed in with some screaming, a little proselytizing and a whole hell of a lot of kick ass!
Mike is also known as Cyco Miko, and sang for Aqueduct Pocket... He sang for Relaxed Atmosphere... He sang for Third World Lover, you heard of them? Of course you haven't... Only true Mike Muir fans would know about this. And who could argue with Mike Muir and Ozzy together for a song!!!
Seriously, he also was a part of No Mercy, Los Cycos and Infectious Grooves. As of right now he is in a feud with Rage Against the Machine. I have not been able to get to the bottom of it but I'm sure it has something to do with Rage, although they have some great music, being a bunch of nancy-boy, anti-American communists.
Anyways, Mike Muir would definitely be on the top of my list for people to meet.
I would also like to meet Jesus H. Christ. Hopefully when I meet him it will be at the heaven side of the pearly gates. I don't think I need to explain any further why Jesus is on my list.
Let's see... I would love to meet Meg Ryan in her early days, about the time she made "When Harry Met Sally", a classic movie that made me fall in love with her. Even circa "Sleepless in Seattle" or "You've Got Mail" would be a good time. I guess any time before her botox phase!
Because this is my blog I can name a group of people that I would like to meet and it would only count as one. So, I would like to meet any one or all of the founding fathers. I would like them to sit and watch CNN, right after they got over the fact that we were watching television in an airplane with running water flying over the Grand Canyon of course. I would like to see their horror when they understand what we have done to their America! I think they would marvel at the technology and entrepreneurship and innovation that has been America's lifeblood for it's young career as a superpower. Then, once they heard Wolf Blitzer or Keith Olbermann a revolt would start... and I would happily and whole-heartedly join!
Finally I think that I would like to meet one of my ancestors and one of my descendants. It would be nice to see where I came from and where my line goes.
And that's a rap. I don't think that I could put these in any order. It would depend solely on my mood at the time. Right now I think that meeting one of my ancestors would top the list but I would love to follow George Washington across the Delaware. Only this time we could have shoes and motor boats and George wouldn't need those wooden teeth.

Oh, what's that?
So how you say life sucks
Well, ninety-nine percent of it's
What you make of it...
So if your life sucks, you suck -Suicidal Tendencies

“What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul.” -Jesus Christ

A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor and bread it has earned -- this is the sum of good government. -Thomas Jefferson

The Weekender

2009-02-06T09:38:00.002-05:00

I was going to post a blog about the non-stimulus package but as I almost finished I realized that I am tired of the government. They keep spending taxpayer dollars, and money they have borrowed from China. It seems Obama has picked up right where George Bush left off. But who cares anymore? My voice may be heard by my congressmen but never heeded.
So let's talk about the weekend. I have been working on a project in my basement for a few months now. My wife and I built a bar down there and I have since added shelves, lighting and am finishing up a wooden sign to go above the bar. Most likely I will be working on that tonight while my wife is at a jewelry party!
On to Saturday, I will probably sleep in until 9am and prepare myself for the evening. I am helping out a friend with his catering company as a bartender. That is a lot of fun. I get to tend a bar, meet a bunch of people, drink heavily and then I get paid.
But Sunday will come eventually and then football is on... Wait... NOOOOOOOOOOO!
What Sunday has in store for me is yet to be seen. If you get a chance check out "You're Wasting You're Time" which is celebrating two years of blogging genius! And there is milk and cookies and that is code for topless dancers!
Maybe my next blog will be interesting!

This is a great time waster. It's called Fantastic Contraptions and has wasted many hours of my life.

I keep seeing a lot of these government grant sites. Beware!

The evil of the world is made possible by nothing but the sanction you give it! -Ayn rand

My Brush With Death

2009-01-26T15:01:00.004-05:00

Hello folks... You may have read about my opinions on gun control. Most likely you haven't but it makes me feel better to think that my blog is actually being read. Anyways I recently had a brush with death and I thought I would write about it.
Last Thursday, not a week into Obama's coronation I had a brush with death. I was surprised that something like this could happen under Obama's watch but then again, only 4 days prior to my near death experience George HW Bush was still at the White House.
Anyways, as I said before it was a Thursday and my folks were picking me up to go to an exclusive restaurant for dinner. And by exclusive I mean it's a country club and no one is permitted entrance without the proper credentials, business-like attire and of course a white person.
We were meeting my wife at this posh establishment at 6pm and my folks were picking me up at 5:45. Needless to say my father was running late, something I could and should have predicted.
So I was sitting on my couch in the living room reading the newspaper and staring at my wife's cat. And I am referring to her feline, I call it hers because I do not take ownership of it (although I do clean the litter box but why do you care).
Back to the story, I was thinking of ways to get rid of the cat when I heard a loud crash in the basement. Because I was glaring at the cat I could not blame this on her. It occurred to me that my folks could have walked in the basement but I was almost positive that I had locked the door. I walked calmly to the basement door and slowly opened it. I heard no more movement and yelled down, "Hello... Hello... Hello..." This is to represent an echo, makes the story a little more eerie.
There was no answer. At this time I heard another crash, not as loud but sinister nonetheless so I sprang into action.
"Dad, if that is you I am getting my shotgun." No answer! "Dad, I'm serious, I'm coming down guns a blazing!" Still no answer!
I shut the basement door and ran to where I keep my shotgun, locking the door behind me (I am leaving the exact location of the shotgun out for security purposes). You may ask why I locked the door behind me and that is a simple tactical move. Putting as many barriers as possible between me and the perpetrator gives me extra time to load my gun. And I have never loaded a shotgun before so I thought it might take me a while.
Now I tried to load the shotgun as quickly and silently as possible so I could hear if someone was coming up from the basement. Once the gun was loaded, with only one shell for some reason, I slowly opened the door. Thinking back I think fully loading the shotgun would have been a wise decision.
I opened the door to the room, hiding to the side with the gun pointed out. No one was there so I went to the basement door. It was still closed and I quickly swung it open without looking down. I heard no sound and peeked around the corner. "Oh My God!" Just kidding. I guess it would be more startling in the movies rather than on paper.
I crept down the steps, and by crept I mean creaked, the stairs are about 50 years old. I grabbed the swiffer with my free hand (because I am buff enough to hold a shotgun with one hand) and stuck it around the corner at the bottom of my steps. The trap worked, someone grabbed the swiffer and yanked it... (Just kidding, again this makes the story a little more interesting). Using the swiffer was part of my tactics. Had there been an intruder around the corner he might have instinctively grabbed the swiffer. This would have left him vulnerable and me in complete control rather than putting the shotgun around the corner and having a struggle for that. Besides, even when defending your property I think shooting blindly around a corner is just plain stupid! Fortunately no one grabbed the swiffer and I crept around the door.
My basement is a converted garage with two rooms. In the first room is a pool table and the other room storage, separated by a beautifully constructed wall (I built the wall). I walked around the back of the pool table, the shotgun pointed at the only entrance to the storage room. I had not heard another noise since I peered down the basement steps but I was taking no chances. I worked my way to the storage room and did the swiffer around the corner thing again with the same ends. Once the light was flipped on I checked the crevices and found no one. I still have no real evidence as to what crashed in the basement... Maybe it was a ghost.
Anyways, satisfied that no one was in my house I went back upstairs, unloaded my shotgun and searched the house one more time with "The Peacemaker" in hand. "The Peacemaker" is a police issued billy club that the previous owner forgot to take with him. I call it "The Peacemaker" because someone wrote "The Peacemaker" on the side.
So that was my brush with death... pretty boring. I guess what happened was the best possible scenario, the worst being either an intruder was in the house and the shotgun jams, resulting in my death or a friend was playing a joke and I shoot him. On the other hand, had I not had the gun things could have gone really bad. The intruder could have killed me, waited for my parents to come and then killed them and then waited for my wife to come home. Thankfully the government has not YET gone far enough to take a mans's personal property.
Please give me one good reason why I should not be able to have a gun in my house to defend my family and my property!

Guns don't kill, people do!

That rifle on the wall of the laborer's cottage or working class flat is the symbol of democracy. It is our job to see that it stays there! -George Orwell

No free man shall ever be de-barred the use of arms. -Thomas Jefferson

"It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it." -Unknown

Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the Act depriving a whole nation of arms as the blackest. -Mahtma Gandhi

You have got to be kidding me

2009-01-14T14:24:00.006-05:00

After you read this article you might not need to read what I have to say but feel free to do so. Here is my favorite quote from the article:
"This new report confirms that weak government tobacco policies fail to support smokers' efforts to quit, and fail to discourage teens from smoking."
May I comment on it. Thank you... Let's break it down. "Weak government tobacco policies". What does that mean? I will tell you what it means. This guy wants the government to control private tobacco industries. He wants the government to tax tobacco so heavily that most people can't afford it. He wants Big Brother (1984 by George Orwell... Read it!). Always watching, holding your hand as you cross the road, shaking his finger when you are about to do something naughty. So what happens when someone can't afford a drug they are addicted to? They steal from others to support their habit... Well cigarettes are different you say, who would steal for cigarettes you ask? When you are addicted to something it takes over your brain. You will do whatever it takes to satisfy that addiction. People steal, hurt and kill every day to satisfy their addictions. And if you don't think that tobacco is as addictive as illegal drugs then Check this out. Although in this test cigarettes are not the most addictive they rank right up there with alcohol and heroin and cocaine. (On a side note, look at the high ratings for alcohol... A very, very dangerous but legal drug... Why not read up on Prohibition and see what happens when a free society is denied their right to alcohol).
Do you know how many people are employed by the tobacco industry? How many convenience stores make their money from people coming in to buy cigarettes and they pick up something extra? What would happen to the tobacco industry and the tens of thousands of people employed by them? What about the small tobacco farmer? We might have an economy worse than it was under Jimmy Carter!
The report says that "Tobacco use is the number one preventable cause of death in America." And how is this prevented? Well, it's prevented by people not smoking. How do you prevent people from smoking? Well, we can't ban cigarettes, refer again to Prohibition! We can't force people not to smoke although the government is doing their best. We can however teach kids at an early age about the dangers of tobacco but that sure didn't keep me from using tobacco. How about some incentives!
For one, those people who use tobacco must expect to pay higher premiums for their health insurance. It just makes sense. They are taking an unnecessary risk and no company should be forced to insure them without the proper premium. (Another side note, if we decide to socialize medicine, those folks who smoke will be getting the most out of the system. Think about that!)
We could also say that those folks who don't smoke, when they die they will get 72 virgins. That seems to be an incentive for suicide bombers.
I can't come up with other incentives, sorry.
Anyways, I'm not against helping people quit tobacco. I have, more than once wished that they would just ban tobacco but I know that would not do any good. I'm just against too much government interference. I mean the government (not just Bush but all of the idiots in Congress) has given us a trillion dollar deficit, high unemployment, a war that might never end, failed school systems, an unregulated border, more laws, more taxes, more red tape, unwarranted income taxes, a federal reserve system that rips us off and of course Ted Kennedy. Unfortunately we the people keep voting the same idiots to office. Why in hell would anyone trust them with more responsibilities?
Look, people need a vice. When things are getting them down they need something to let them escape for awhile. For some people it's sex. It could be food or swimming or screaming or blasting Metallica. For others it might be marijuana or alcohol or simply a ride on their motorcycle. And for many it's a cigarette. I for one don't want a million angry smokers running around without a cigarette. Live and let live, or as New Hampshire says, "Live Free or Die!"

P.S. Obama is a smoker! If we banned cigarettes he would probably nuke half the globe!

I love our Congressmen

2009-01-12T15:39:00.004-05:00

I don't usually read the op-eds in The Washington Post because they are fraught with left wing loonies denouncing capitalism like it's a failed principle and neo-conservative imperialists telling me why Democrats are destroying the country right under my nose. Believe me I think the direction our congressmen are taking us is south, or backwards but there are enough "scientific" studies and facts to prove either side of a political argument. It's not about right and wrong anymore, it's about "Did you hear what Larry Craig a Republican did?", or "How about that loathsome Eliot Spitzer, the Democrat?" I don't give two shits about gay sex in an airport bathroom or cavorting with a high-end prostitute. Unless of course they are using our tax dollars to pay for these sins. I'm getting off topic even though I have not touched on my topic yet. All I'm trying to say is that we should not be surprised to hear about "allegations" that Nancy Pelosi, A DEMOCRAT uses tax payer dollars to get a bikini wax (shudder) or that Saxby Chambliss, A REPUBLICAN uses tax payer dollars to buy bullets for his endangered species hunting trips. Is that how we are defined in this country? No longer are we individuals but we are categorized by party alignment! What a joke!
Anyways, we have a new President being inaugurated in a few days with promises of hope and change and I for one am optimistic.
"What", my Mom asks, being the only one to read my blog, "I thought you were not a fan of Obama."
Well let's just say that I'm not a big fan of ANY of our elected officials but he is our President and unlike the Bush-haters of the past eight years I'm not denouncing him and all of his "failed policies" before he takes the oath of office. Not to say that Bush did not have many failed policies, or policies I do not agree with but I don't believe most people even consider the facts, they hear Bush and they hate it already! Dumbasses!
Anyways, I have been muted on the blog front for a long time, mostly because so much has pissed me off I don't know where to start so I will give you a snippet of what's been rolling around in my gray matter.
First off, this bailout is a joke. Representatives Barney Frank and Chris Dodd are the world's biggest jackasses. I heard Dodd say that the reason why the bailouts aren't working is because of the Bush Administration. He claims that the administration pulled the wool over his eyes and before he knew it the bailout was passed without oversight and without requiring banks to lend the money given. As CHAIRMAN and 26-year member of the Committee on BANKING, Housing and Urban Affairs you would think a Senator with his experience could make an educated decision and stand by it. But when in doubt blame the Bush Administration. You can read more on him here.
Let's see... California is debating on whether or not to ban smoking outside. You know, I'm a big fan of the term "Live Free or Die", which happens to be the state motto of New Hampshire and it sums up my political beliefs. What in God's name, with all of the smog in Los Angeles and the earth-destroying CO2 emmissions and the dairy cow farts will banning smoking outside do for anyone. If you are worried about walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke on the street corner then you should live in an effing (wait, this deserves real outrage) fucking bubble.
What happened to our Live Free or Die attitudes? If you don't like smoke, don't go into the restaurant. If you are about to claim bankruptcy then hurry up and move along so someone else, who might just do a better job can step in your place. If your life sucks then do something about it. You and only you can control your destiny... I've got more!
"It's raining at the bus stop, there is no cover..." Well go buy an umbrella! "I can't afford gas to get to work..." Well then take the bus and/or the metro, millions of people do every day! "People are smoking at the bar..." Well take your kids somewhere else, they shouldn't be at a bar anyway!
I guess the last thing I have to bitch about for now is criminals. Now there are a lot of non-violent people in jail for things like drug offences . However, some violent criminals are getting out of jail for good behavior and then promptly murdering or raping or trying to drug and rape little children, like this waste of oxygen . We spend billions incarcerating non-violent drug offenders, prostitutes and johns etc. while murderers bounce in and out of the system. Is this a problem... Would you feel more safe sitting with a convicted murderer or a pot head?
And finally, out of place in the blog but pertinent nonetheless. People struggle each and every second of the day and most people keep on truckin'. Why should you or Ford or Bank of America be any different!

Finally, in the words of Mike Muir, singer-songwriter for the greatest funk/metal band of all time, from the song "Gotta Kill Captain Stupid"
"Oh, what's that?
So now you say life sucks
Well, ninety-nine percent of it's
What you make of it...
So if your life sucks, you suck"

What are you going to do about it?

I'm really happy... I'm cereal!

2008-08-27T13:33:00.007-05:00

He just does not look happy, does he? I thought I would point that out because I just looked in the mirror and I certainly don't look like that. I just wanted everyone to know because after skimming some of my blogs from the past I realized that there is a lot of anger there. So don't fret, I am a happily married thirty-something with some spare time and a fairly fast typing speed.

Let me quickly break down the word anger. Dictionary dot com says it is "a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire." I also checked out the Thesaurus and happy was not an antonym of anger. So I realized that I do not have more anger than the average person but I may be a bit impatient leaning towards utterly impatient. I may also not be as calm as a category 5 hurricane but damn it I am not angry!

So it is safe to say that I am impatient and easily agitated by normal occurrences. My loving wife pointed out that this blog is my way of releasing that agitation and impatience and she seems to approve, I guess because I have stopped beating her. (This is where I would normally let the reader know that this is a joke but unless you are an idiot or a raging Feminist then you saw the humor and are not offended.) To quote one Mike Muir, "...And if I offended you oh, I'm sorry, but maybe you needed to be offended. Well here's my apology and one more thing, Fuck You!" That is directly from "You Can't Bring Me Down", a fantastic little ditty by Suicidal Tendencies. Here is another big fan of ST.

If you don't like Bocephus then you can kiss my (picture of a donkey). Anyways, I'm not really angry right now. Maybe a little ticked at people on bikes, I'm sorry, Cyclists. I understand that it is called a sideWALK but use it. The county, that is Montgomery County hasn't spent an exorbitant amount of money this year fixing up sidewalks so people on bicycles can rule the road. And yes, my job takes me all over the county on a daily basis and I have seen more new sidewalks being put in this year than ever. Not to mention the bumpy pads for blind people. Every intersection in Montgomery County is having these pads put in so blind people can walk across the street. Am I being insensitive or is this a matter of urgency. Everyone is complaining about not having money and this terrible economy and gas prices and Montgomery County is spending millions of dollars putting in pads on sidewalks so blind people know where the road begins and sidewalk ends! We have a budget deficit in Maryland and a budget crisis in Montgomery County and this is how we choose to spend out money. We are spending an absurd amount of money on gas, which is taxed by the state and the county, and instead of alleviating some of that burden we are taking our extra funds and putting in pads for blind people. And the best part is that we keep voting the same damn people in.
I promised myself I wouldn't rant or get agitated this time but I start talking about "cyclists" and that obviously lends itself to talking about the blind people in Montgomery County and before you know it I'm attacking Obama and McCain for preaching change when we all know damn well that for a real change we need someone who is not a rank and file member of the democrat or republican party... STOP IT!
Needless to say I'm a happy guy with a sexy wife and a new house (built in 1953 but new to me) where my neighbors are not too close and my company is having a record year (not a record month though, I hate, I mean I am agitated with August). Life's pretty good. So tune in next week when I write about my trip to Cancun where bathing suits are nothing more than a bra and panties or tighty whitey's for men and I missed my one chance to see boobs.

Complaining is good for you as long as you're not complaining to the person you're complaining about. -Lynn Johnston (no idea)

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. -Bertrand Russell

Those Damn Congressmen

2008-06-13T21:48:00.005-05:00

I don't usually read the op-eds in The Washington Post because they are fraught with left wing loonies denouncing capitalism like it's a failed principle and neo-conservative imperialists telling me why Democrats are destroying the country right under my nose. Believe me I think the direction our congressmen are taking us is south, or backwards but there are enough "scientific" studies and facts to prove either side of a political argument. It's not about right and wrong anymore, it's about "Did you hear what Larry Craig a Republican did?", or "How about that loathsome Eliot Spitzer, the Democrat?" I don't give two shits about gay sex in an airport bathroom or cavorting with a high-end prostitute. Unless of course they are using our tax dollars to pay for these sins. I'm getting off topic even though I have not touched on my topic yet. All I'm trying to say is that we should not be surprised to hear about "allegations" that Nancy Pelosi, A DEMOCRAT uses tax payer dollars to get a bikini wax (shudder) or that Saxby Chambliss, A REPUBLICAN uses tax payer dollars to buy bullets for his endangered species hunting trips. Is that how we are defined in this country? No longer are we individuals but we are categorized by party alignment! What a joke!
Anyways, we have a new President being inaugurated in a few days with promises of hope and change and I for one am optimistic.
"What", my Mom asks, being the only one to read my blog, "I thought you were not a fan of Obama."
Well let's just say that I'm not a big fan of ANY of our elected officials but he is our President and unlike the Bush-haters of the past eight years I'm not denouncing him and all of his "failed policies" before he takes the oath of office. Not to say that Bush did not have many failed policies, or policies I do not agree with but I don't believe most people even consider the facts, they hear Bush and they hate it already! Dumbasses!
Anyways, I have been muted on the blog front for a long time, mostly because so much has pissed me off I don't know where to start so I will gove you a snippet of what's been rolling around in my gray matter.
First off, this bailout is a joke. Representatives Barney Frank and Chris Dodd are the world's biggest jackasses. I heard Dodd say that the reason why the bailouts aren't working is because of the Bush Administration. He claims that the administration pulled the wool over his eyes and before he knew it the bailout was passed without oversight and without requiring banks to lend the money given. As CHAIRMAN and 26-year member of the Committee on BANKING, Housing and Urban Affairs you would think a Senator with his experience could make an educated decision and stand by it. But when in doubt blame the Bush Administration. You can read more on him here.
Let's see... California is debating on whether or not to ban smoking outside. You know, I'm a big fan of the term "Live Free or Die", which happens to be the state motto of New Hampshire and it sums up my political beliefs. What in God's name, with all of the smog in Los Angeles and the earth-destroying CO2 emmissions and the dairy cow farts will banning smoking outside do for anyone. If you are worried about walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke on the street corner then you should live in an effing (wait, this deserves real outrage) fucking bubble.
What happened to our Live Free or Die attitudes? If you don't like smoke, don't go into the restaurant. If you are about to claim bankruptcy then hurry up and move along so someone else, who might just do a better job can step in your place. If your life sucks then do something about it. You and only you can control your destiny... I've got more!
"It's raining at the bus stop, there is no cover..." Well go buy an umbrella! "I can't afford gas to get to work..." Well then take the bus and/or the metro, millions of people do every day! "People are smoking at the bar..." Well take your kids somewhere else, they shouldn't be at a bar anyway!
I guess the last thing I have to bitch about for now is criminals. Now there are a lot of non-violent people in jail for things like drug offences. However, some violent criminals are getting out of jail for good behavior and then promptly murdering or raping or trying to drug and rape little children, like this waste of oxygen. We spend billions incarcerating non-violent drug offenders, prostitutes and johns etc. while murderers bounce in and out of the system. Is this a problem... Would you feel more safe sitting with a convicted murderer or a pot head?
And finally, out of place in the blog but pertinent nonetheless. People struggle each and every second of the day and most people keep on truckin'. Why should you or Ford or Bank of America be any different!

Finally, in the words of Mike Muir, singer-songwriter for the greatest funk/metal band of all time, from the song "Gotta Kill Captain Stupid"
"Oh, what's that?
So now you say life sucks
Well, ninety-nine percent of it's
What you make of it...
So if your life sucks, you suck"

What are you going to do about it?

Eye Yam Drunk

2008-05-31T00:57:00.003-05:00

I really have nothing important to say here. Well, I guess my wife and I bought a house. And this is the first blog I have written, not only in the last 4 months but also in my new house.
So far I am not interested in what I have to say... Are you?

I have been told that I use the ... too much! Is that true?

I have a few words of advice. Painting stripes in your guest bedroom is a cool idea but make sure that you check the angle of the door frame and the window. If you do not I promise that they are not parallel to the wall and your stripes will look like Roth's face after his homecoming gaffe. You will have to ask him!

Speaking of Roth I just took a pee that was yellowish-brown!

Also, the annual Roth-a-Q was a fantastic success. The boxed wine was phenomenal, the margarita was top 5 I have ever had, Shelley did not get laid, I ate enough food to feed a village in Kenya and best of all I have a rubber burn from doing a flip in a moon bounce intended for children under 100 pounds. If you have never seen five 30+ year-olds jumping in a moon bounce it is similar to watching an Asian drive stick shift for the first time. No offense, I'm going for the shock/anti-PC hook here.

I have to say that my memorial weekend was full of memories. On Friday night my wife and I painted a room and some furniture. We made a fantastic Sangria (if you want the recipe you will have to kiss my ass first). I also took some social drugs, cocaine, meth-amphetamines, LSD and a lot of Red Bull. Just kidding, my connection was on vacation. On Saturday we went to a surprise birthday party for a friend of ours. It was her 30th. We did not get her a gift, not even a card. But, I don't feel bad. For heavens sake what birthday after 21 is worth celebrating?

Then on Sunday it was the world renowned Roth-a-Q. I eluded to this earlier in my blog but it's my blog and I can reiterate all that I want. My wife looked exceptionally hot that night. Although she was my favorite part of the night a close second is swinging my niece on the swing. I can tell you that if I ever have a kid I hope he/she is as perfect as my niece. And I do not want to leave out my nephew whom I got to hold and try and make laugh (he's still in the breast-suckling, farting, pooping, crying, barely sleeping stage). He is only 4 months old, or if I was a douchebag I would say that he is about 19 weeks. I would bitch about aging kids by weeks but I'm not angry right now... Like I said I have taken multiple different varieties of drugs, i.e. Scotch, ice and nicotine.

Let me end by saying that for the second year in a row my wife and I spent a good bit of time at the vaunted Roth-a-Q chatting with the Karp's. I have been trying to come up with an insult for Mr. Karp to put in this section of my blog (because that is how men prove their toughness, they insult other men) but all I can come up with is Carp, like the fish and that is just not funny at all. Hey Jon, sorry that the Pats lost in the Super Bowl. Although the NFC East rules!

PS. Ladies please stop emailing me, I am a happily married man. Well, if I were to correctly phrase that it would say, "Lady (Mom) please stop emailing me (actually I need socks and underwear).

PSS. More happened on the three day weekend but I'm tired!

I Don't Feel Older!

2008-02-02T00:40:00.000-05:00

Well that is the first of many more lies you might read about if you continue to read my blogs... But I have figured out that if you lie about something and you really want someone to believe it then just tell them you heard it on the news or read it in the newspaper. Because the newspaper never makes mistakes and if they do they print it on Page G-11 column 2 in a little blurb.

"We originally reported that the police officer shot the passenger in the vehicle she had pulled over without being provoked. After further analysis it turns out that the passenger, a known narcotics dealer and wife beater had pulled a knife on the officer."

Thanks a lot. So while people are holding candlelight vigils for this criminal and potential cop murderer the newspaper has just recruited thousands of other bleeding hearts because of their "misprint".

You may ask what this has to do with the title... "Nothing!"

I am getting ready to celebrate my, well you'll have to click here and figure it out, birthday. And as I get older I am realizing that the last significant birthday I had was when I turned 21... The rest is just down hill from there.

When I wrote the title, I lied to you. I do feel older. In fact I now feel it necessary to get a physical on a yearly basis, have my blood work and blood pressure checked and of course the annual dreaded balloon knot violation. My back hurts for no reason, I consistently get a stiff neck and I'm starting to watch what I eat!

Remember the days, drinking until 5 in the morning, stumbling to class on 3 hours of sleep and a Mountain Dew. Or prior to that, sneaking out of your parents house with a soda bottle filled with every liquor in their cabinet. And then skipping off to class and football practice only to have more energy to do the same thing again...

Those days are gone!!!

Now it's 2 Advil in the morning, but watch out for the ulcers; a pot of coffee but don't get addicted; McDonald's super size Big Mac but watch out for trans fats and cholesterol and calories; a 2 hour commute but watch out for global warming; rent, mortgage, credit card bills, anger, tooth decay, arthritis, angina, deadlines, impatience, insurance, etc.

Ahhh to be 15 again. No driver's license to worry about, no cell phone or bills or health issues. You could sleep for 2 drunken hours and wake up to slimy eggs and scrapple. Give me a skateboard (although I was never good at skating, it was simply for transportation), a few friends and my parents liquor cabinet and I could take over the world...

But alas there is no way to stop time. God put us into motion and we survive. But I'm lucky in a way. You see I lied again. In truth my birthday has more significance to me than it ever did in the past. On March 27, 2004 my grandmother passed away from a bout with lung cancer. She was my last living grandparent and so ended an era of my life that gave me cherished memories to last me beyond the grave.

But with death there is rebirth. A new era was born. I met my wife that exact day, March 27, 2004, less than 12 hours after my grandmother passed away and exactly 29 years after my birth.

So here's to a new era. One of ulcers and enlarged prostates and unbearable hangovers and slipped disks and anything else life can throw at me!

You can only perceive real beauty in a person as they get older. -Anouk Aimee

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. -Oscar Wilde

It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. -Jerome K. Jerome

Book Reviews

2008-01-28T15:37:00.000-05:00

My wife is a fanatical reader. She reads anything from books about Khrushchev to books about the exciting lives of crossword puzzle writers. It amazes me that she can read a book and fall asleep in mid-sentence and pick up at the same place the next time she reads. I have to stop at the end of a chapter or at minimum a place where the story jumps to another character or situation.

Anyways, I would like to discuss some of the recent books I have read as well as hear your thoughts about what I might be interested in reading. And please don't tell me James Patterson or some other "A Walk in the Clouds" type book, I'm sure he is a phenomenal writer but pure love stories just don't interest me. Disclaimer: I don't always have to be open-minded... do I?

First off I would like to recommend Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. This is a powerful and compelling book all the while telling a personal story. I find myself trying to emulate some of the characters and in my opinion she could be predicting a future. I say "a" future because there are infinite possibilities regarding the future so to state that she "has" predicted the future would be premature. The only drawback to this book are it's nearly 1,200 pages and the authors large vocabulary. Now I may not have a rapist's wit like my friend Jon but I consider myself a learned man and I had to ask my wife what some words actually meant.

I also recently read 1984 and Animal farm by George Orwell. Very fascinating books, also quite possibly predicting "a" future. 1984 is also one of the best books I have ever read and just in the last few days I re-read the last few chapters. I still get a chill reading it. Orwell has a knack for making me feel like it could be me experiencing some of the things that his characters experience while at the same time letting me (the reader) discover what those experiences are. I hope that made sense.

Animal Farm on the other hand was not as exciting as the aforementioned books but did only take about 3 hours to read. Orwell's message is clear but I almost felt like it was written by a 15-year-old who had no idea what his message would be only she liked to write about animals. that said, I did enjoy it and would recommend it not only for its brevity but its thought-provoking ideas.

I can't say enough about R.A. Salvatore. He is definitely the best writer I have ever read. His books are based on a character named Drizzt (apparently pronounced Drisst but I will be a non-conformist and continue to say Drizzit). These are fantasy/sci-fi books much like Tolkien but in my humble opinion written exponentially better than the Lord of the Rings series (see below). I have read the two main series, "Icewind Dale Trilogy" and "Dark Elf Trilogy" twice and I cannot wait to read them again. The best part about the books is that Drizzt gives kind of a personal memoir before each book and we see him grow as an elf, a person and an intellectual. There is a lot of meaning behind what Drizzt has to say and he is the type of character that quite possibly is the subconscious of the author. I really recommend these books.

Sticking with the fantasy genre Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman have written numerous phenomenal books along these lines. I recommend starting with Chronicles (which I am reading again for the third time), a story about a group of friends trying to save their world. Again I really felt like I would be friends with some of these characters, if they would be friends with me. I can imagine my mySpace account having well over 100 friends, most of them fictitious of course. Once you have read Chronicles you will no doubt want to continue. However there are a series of books called "Death Gate Cycle" and they are just as powerful.

A quick note about Tolkien. I did like "The Hobbit" but as far as the trilogy that was made into a movie, I have a hard time reading it. I understand that Tolkien was the father of fantasy and no doubt influenced all the current fantasy writers but I find his books to be too descriptive. It takes 7 pages to describe the smell in a dark, damp room and only one sentence to describe a battle. Hence, I like the books for their storyline and content but for me they were way too wordy and descriptive.
Finally I would just like to mention some other great reads. Hocus Pocus by Kurt Vonnegut is a fantastic book as well as Slaughterhouse Five by the same author. I really enjoyed Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins, and I intend to read a few more of his books. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle and last but not least The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain.

These are my recommended readings. I can't think of any more books that I have read at the moment, maybe that's all I have read but if you're looking for a good read try one of the books I have suggested and let me know what you think.

I think I am going to read the Federalist Papers next, a friend of mind we call "The Doctor" is reading them now and I will wait for his thoughts.

Addiction revisited

2008-01-24T15:21:00.000-05:00

It's been a few months since I last updated my nicotine addiction. Well, I'm still addicted. I've started to realize that it is a love/hate thing. I mean tobacco has always been in my life. As a teenager my friends and I would make up sayings about tobacco and we continue to recite them to this day. For instance, "Marlboro Light, smoke them all night" or "Marlboro Red, smoke them til you're dead". And as for Kodiak, "The only Bear you'll ever pinch", I would love to take credit for that but that was one of their clever marketing campaigns. I even bought a T-shirt that said that.
Anyways, a friend of mine and I were discussing quitting a few weeks ago and he called himself a "lifer". The term basically means that he'll be chewing tobacco until he's dead. That's a scary idea that is certainly a possibility. I tried to tell him that I was not a lifer but he just shook his head and mumbled something about denial and self-loathing.
Well I have not given up my plight to rid myself of chewing tobacco. I recently quit for 4 days, and if you are not addicted, the first week is the hardest. I consider it winning a battle but the war is still waging. I know that 4 days does not sound like much but I was doing great until I had to spend 10 hours behind the wheel of my truck plowing snow. As the old adage goes, "Without nicotine and caffeine, plowing is a lonely, desolate highway with no exit signs".
And so I used plowing as my excuse. And as some of you may know, having an excuse to buy tobacco is as simple as convincing yourself that water is wet. Alas my addiction is reborn.
I have come to the point where I am searching the web for support groups and alternative means of quitting. One good way for chewing tobacco users is to try and replace the tobacco with something like Herbal Snuff. It has worked for me in the past but I always end up finding some excuse to buy another can.
There are actually support groups out there like Kill The Can and Quit Smokeless but I have not come to that point yet.
In closing I am going to give it another shot, maybe some time in February. In the past I have quit for my Mom as a birthday present but how can anyone take me seriously if I continue to go back to Grizzly Wintergreen, the juicy "unsafe alternative to cigarettes".

Why I miss my wife!

2008-01-20T00:43:00.000-05:00

I wrote and composed a song for my wife since she has been visiting her parents for the last two days and won't be back until Monday. Unfortunately I am a horrible song writer and could not play an instrument if I was reincarnated as Rocky George, the one in the Pirates hat. So instead I compiled a list of just a few of the things that I love about my wife starting with A:

Alluring, Beautiful, Capable, Delicious, Engaging, Fascinating, Gorgeous, Honest, Intelligent, Just perfect for me, Knowledgeable, Lovely, Magnificent, Noble, Original, Passionate, Quirky, Reliable, Sublime, Tantalizing, Unmatched, Venerable, Wonderful, Xylophone, Yummy, Zesty!

Hey, you come up with a good adjective that starts with X...

Follow the Money

2008-01-18T17:18:00.000-05:00

I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! My hiatus has ended, again and I would like to share with all of you some interesting things that were brought to my attention. But before you read my eloquent thoughts please check this out first, you will need some time to look at it all and you might even want to have your Constitution booklet on hand as I do.

Let me start off by giving my disclaimer: The hardest thing I have had to do is retract my deep-seeded obedience to the Republican party. I still get antsy and almost defensive when I hear people say bad things about Bush or some of his policies (even if I have since changed my opinion about them) and my brain is quick to entertain scoffs regarding democrats. I am sincerely working hard to try and become as open-minded and un-swayed by political affiliations and in time I believe that I will be true to my new party, it's called "unaffiliated". So please try and read this with an open mind and when you feel yourself disagreeing and about to argue, stop, sit back and look at it from a different perspective, you might just like it!

For the past 3 months or so I have religiously watched or listened to C-Span (I know it sounds boring but my whole attitude towards government has changed quite a bit and my attitude towards those who disagree with me). Anyways, I have spent countless hours, especially since I have not been working since the landscaping season, trying to find evidence that will support any of my outlandish claims from the past. I've come to realize that I can prove virtually anything with regards to what I believe in my core but that those who believe differently can also prove their core beliefs just the same. It's all a matter of research and time willing to spend on things that have no black and white answers. And believe me, just check out Politifact.com and you will be amazed at what politicians will say to get elected, i.e. FOLLOW THE MONEY!

The only definitive answer that I could find was "Follow the Money!" And who am I to blame someone for wanting to increase their riches, I think the people who do not want to better themselves are the worst kind of people although doing so with no regard for others is a close second. It seems so simple and yet for the last 10 years I have been arguing for one side of the aisle, the side who claims to be for less government only to find out that the side I was defending was just as guilty if not more. Many of my views have changed and I have to thank my wife, C-Span, those who I consistently exchange political emails with and my endorsement of Ron Paul.

I have some things to say about the videos that I hope you watched. First I think that we need taxes, in fact I know that we need taxes. However, I am against the income tax. I believe that a consumption tax or fair tax would be a wiser choice, eliminating the IRS and the Fed. This video just solidified my belief. The chairman of the FED, Ben Bernanke, who I listened to last night on CSPAN while I was snow-plowing said that the best way to give our economy a kick would be to give more money to the people, especially those with lower income because they will turn around and put it right back into the system by buying food and clothes and other necessities. He consistently said that he wished to remain non-partisan so he would not comment on the raising or lowering of taxes but he did indicate that raising taxes gives people less money to purchase goods and services therefore putting a strain on the economy and further exacerbating inflation while a tax decrease, if not paid for by decreased government spending does the same thing. So as we can see what is happening now the long term effects of a tax decrease will be devastating if Congress continues to spend borrowed money and continues to increase our National Debt. I still want lower taxes but I want the government to decrease their spending as well. Of course some would say that more taxes is the answer but that is putting more power into the hands of the elite and as we saw in the video, more power to the bankers and the FED and the world market. Taxes are not the answer... So here's my solution.

Get rid of the IRS, go to a consumption tax or a fair tax, let people have the money that they earned. Get out of Iraq and Afghanistan and the rest of the world for that matter and concentrate our funds and resources and intelligence on keeping our borders, language and culture in tact. This notion of globalization and diversity only feed the fires of the elite. (I am somewhat like John Kerry, I was for the war and now I am against the war. My new philosophy is and I quote, "The only bad opinion is the opinion that never changes." Anyways, I don't think that we should have gone to war with them. Sure both sides have valid arguments but the financial cost alone makes it hard to believe its necessity. Furthermore our soldiers are dying daily, is there not a better way?

I have been saving this until I finished the book but I urge you to read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It is the most compelling, interesting and provocative book I have ever read and despite it's nearly 1,200 pages I will soon be reading it again. I will not spoil this story by Ayn Rand, especially since I have two more chapters to go but if there ever was a person, or people I wished to emulate it would be some of the characters in that book.

Sorry about the tangent... Anyways, this is something to me that seems rather obvious but will be argued no doubt. Putting money into the hands of the people and not the government is the key to a good economy with little inflation. However in turn we need a government who does not borrow money from a private institution that charges them, and in turn the taxpayers billions of dollars a day in interest. I believe I should get every penny that I work for and in turn if I want a service, I use my money to pay for that service. The more money I have the more I can spend or save. Sure one could argue that a few bucks a year is no big deal but consider that few bucks in the pockets of millions of Americans who would in turn use it to pay down their debt, invest, buy something from somebody. According to what I heard last night on C-Span that would really invigorate our economy. Let me be in charge of my own destiny, if I choose to work and save and spend that is my own choice and many have died for that choice. I should not be held accountable for what someone else does with his money nor should I expect anything from him unless we both have something the other wants. I sure as hell am not going to take care of someones lawn for free just because they need it, they have to have some collateral, whether it be a service they can provide me or what we are all used to... money. It costs time and money to do that work and I can ill afford to support others when I am having enough trouble supporting myself. But these people have a choice, if they don't want to pay for a lawn service then they must do it themselves, it's no skin off my back.

Why should I be forced to pay for someone who is subjectively deemed by the elites or lobbyists or in a nutshell money (in need) when they offer nothing to me in return. Oh, you can give me the "where is your compassion" or "it's what's best for society", and to that I say is it better for society to rob Peter to pay Paul or is it better for society that those who wish for services have something to give in return? (Screw Peter, Paul needs something more than Peter does). After all if you were a bartender would you cover a shift for another bartender and then give him your tips, or let's say you sold cruises for a living. If you sold 5 cruises in a week would you gladly share your bonus with the guy in the next cubicle who sleeps all day (after all, he has not been able to pay his rent and soon he will be out on the streets, then he will be getting your money anyway, this time directly from the government), or if you were a computer programmer would you write code for a new computer software used by the government without compensation (Oh, it's a software that will help civilization according to the government, and we need it for the sake of the American People)... I sure as hell would not!

This takes me to corporations, small businesses, etc. How can we expect higher wages and more jobs when at the same time the government is forcing the companies to pay more in taxes. Common sense would tell us that the companies who have the most money can afford to pay the higher wages which attracts the brightest of people which in turn makes their product better which then increases the demand for the product and drives up wages and earnings, etc. Why the hell should that be punished by increased taxes? Who is making this decision to penalize success? FOLLOW THE MONEY! You need money to pay new workers but instead the government has decided it's going to fund aid in Africa or send 10 billion dollars to Pakistan, or to send a check to someone who has not looked for a job in 10 years or to rip off the veterans... For what? If the world is so concerned about these things why not fund it yourself, why should the United States have to borrow the money first? I'll tell you why. It's because the world bank and the FED, etc won't give out something for nothing but it's OK if the United States does.

Here are some of my humble thoughts that I thought to include in the blog. Let's think about Microsoft. The demand for their products is astronomical and the supply is continuous and the product is, well there is not much to compare it to but it serves my needs more than adequately. Yet those in the government and possibly some of us thought it was a monopoly. Did Steve Jobs think that? Instead, he forged ahead and began improving old technology and developing new technology and the competition began. He went to where he thought the money was. Was the money in suing Microsoft to get a beggar's share of the industry? No! It was in working hard and developing his own product. It was believing in himself and now he and Bill Gates both have superior products that demand superior workers who in turn demand superior wages who keep coming up with new and innovative products for the consumer and the cycle begins again. Why do people want to work so badly for successful companies... FOLLOW THE MONEY! I know for a fact that people who work for Microsoft are well paid and the employer, the richest man in the world spares no expense to keep them happy. Same with Steve Jobs, people are applying for jobs in their businesses by the hundreds daily. On a personal note I researched both these products while looking for a computer, have used both and the deciding factor for me was price, I went with a PC. That's how it works.! My point is that if we continue to look to the government to bail us out instead of thinking for ourselves and doing for ourselves then we become a product of the government and eventually a slave to the government. If we continue to allow our government to take what is rightfully ours then we will have nothing. For this I do not have an answer except to vote those in office who are willing to stand up for us and not for big government and big money!

In closing, finally I would just like to say that I am voting for Ron Paul whether it is a wasted vote or not. We all want change in America, after all, change is good. But I don't want change if it is going to take away my freedoms.

You can take our lives, but you can't take away our freedom! - Mel Gibson in Braveheart

It's all for nothing if you don't have freedom. - Mel Gibson in Braveheart

Government "help" to business is just as disastrous as government persecution... the only way a government can be of service to national prosperity is by keeping its hands off. -Ayn Rand

We are fast approaching the stage of the ultimate inversion: the stage where the government is free to do anything it pleases, while the citizens may act only by permission; which is the stage of the darkest periods of human history, the stage of rule by brute force. -Ayn Rand

My Life as a Murderer

2007-12-12T17:58:00.001-05:00

Something happened to me on Tuesday that I will likely never forget for the rest of my life. Even as I sit here and write I am going through the events of Tuesday December 11th in my head. Obviously I am not sure of the long term effects of my actions but the short term has made me angry, sad and surprisingly more clear on some of my beliefs.
Before I start I just want you to know that at times I feel I am blowing this out of proportion and at other times I feel it's bigger than I think it is. So with that thought, read on.
My partner and I, meaning my business partner who also happens to be my brother-in-law have a landscaping business together. Right now it is leaf season and leaf season just plain sucks. We spend hours a day blowing leaves (and I would almost welcome a man named leaves rather than those evil things that drop from the trees), raking leaves, dragging leaves and I eat leaves for lunch (I'm trying to be healthy). Anyway enough about my disdain for leaves. We had split up on Tuesday morning, I was sucking up the leaves with our Billy Goat or simply "Goat" and he and our employee were dragging leaves at another property 5 miles away. We had finished at roughly the same time and met at our usual lunch spot, 7-Eleven. It was at this time that my whole life changed.
Aaron, my brother-in-law, told me that there was a baby deer with a broken leg in the back yard of the house next to our customers. It was obviously in pain and by the size of the hole that it had dug trying to get up it had been there for at least a day. At the time the only protocol he knew of was to contact local law enforcement and have them come out and shoot it. The police were notified and they kept on working until the officer arrived.
Now I was not there but before the officer arrived the deer seemed to be in decent health despite it's severely broken leg and lack of food and water I assume. I'm not saying that what the officer did was wrong I'm merely pointing out that the deer had a broken leg but no other injuries that were seen. And unfortunately when a deer has a broken leg it is typical to "put them down". Anyway, the officer pulled out his service revolver and shot the deer point blank in the head. After the job was complete he went back to his car and left. However, the deer who was apparently granted a quick death got nothing of the sort. It was still alive.
Now I am a big supporter of local law enforcement and for that matter all law enforcement but this is where the anger feelings come in. I'm giving the officer the benefit of the doubt; maybe they are only allowed to use one bullet or maybe he was nervous having never killed a deer (especially a baby). But for crying out loud (crying out loud does not do justice to my anger but I'm trying not to cuss in my blogs) you really have to make sure that the thing is dead. Your job is to put it out of it's misery, not increase AND extend the agony.
Well I arrived at the house about 1 hour after it had been shot and proceeded directly to the deer. I watched it for a minute and then it opened it's eye and stared at me. Maybe it was not staring at me but I felt like it was. And in a situation like this what is anyone's first reaction? Call a redneck! Fortunately for me I have quite a few rednecks on my phone tree.
I shuffled through my phone and got on the line with opossum (name changed for security purposes). I explained the situation and he told me to get a large rock and bash it over the head. Now I'm no fan of Peta and I certainly do not think that hunting should be outlawed but I could not see myself crushing the head of a deer with a large rock so that was out of the question.
We finally came to the conclusion that cutting it's throat would be the quickest and most humane way to ease the suffering of the deer. Of course the only things that I have ever killed were birds (when I was a kid with a BB gun and I only did it once because I felt so bad), insects (and I don't kill them unless it is by accident or if they sting or bite me), fish (while fishing and not with the intent of killing them) and that is about all that I can think of... Until Tuesday.
Then I called my Father. Although he has never hunted that I am aware of I was pretty sure that he had had to shoot a deer as part of his duties as a Montgomery County Police Officer. He was actually on his way to Rockville which happened to be right where I was. He offered to come down and do it himself, citing the fact that he had only needed to shoot one deer in his life and he was able to end it's misery with one shot. I declined his offer and thought I had better do this myself.
I found a utility knife and sat by the deer for a minute, my hand was shaking but I really needed to do this soon simply because the deer was obviously suffering and I might chicken out if I thought about it too long.
I found where I needed to cut and pulled the razor blade along it's neck. My worst fears came to be. (Right now I am literally shuddering as I recall the event). While the knife pierced the skin it would not cut through the rest. The deer did not move much but I felt like it was in even more pain.
I sprinted to my truck trying to find something else that was sharper but to no avail. I kept searching, throwing things around the truck and cursing myself for not having a sharp enough blade. Tears were welling up in my eyes and the fear that I had caused the deer even more pain than it was already in was already eating away at me. And if that makes me a sissy then I wear the name proudly.
Luckily my brother-in-law pulled up and I rushed over to his truck hoping he had something I could use. The first thing that I picked up was a saw. I quickly discarded it but with no other sharp tools available I had to use it. My brother-in-law was telling me to calm down but he later revealed that he would not have said that had he known that I had already begun the killing process.
I went back to the deer and Aaron followed. I silently prayed for the deer to feel no pain and I pulled the saw along it's neck.
Before I go on let me warn you that this is graphic and you may not want to know about this.
The saw cut quickly and evenly and right through the esophagus. There was minimal blood because I had not hit the carotid artery although that was my intention. I watched as blood and air came from the exposed throat.
After about ten seconds the deer began to thrash and I thought this might be it's death throes but it's lungs were still pumping and it made a sort of baa noise. I pushed on it's lungs and put my hand on it's heart, hoping and praying that it would stop beating... Hoping and praying that I had done the right thing and no more slicing or bashing was needed.
It sat quiet again for about thirty seconds and as I got up to leave it made another noise and sort of wagged it's tail. I can't tell you the emotions that whirled in my head. My first thought was utter hatred for the police officer but that quickly changed to anger at myself and then near hysteria.
There was no way I was cutting through the neck of the poor deer any more. I simply sat there with it's head pulled back and my hand on it's lungs so they would not try and fill up with air... and I waited. It must have been only three minutes after that the deer passed but I sat there for ten, contemplating my decision, cussing the police officer and in all honesty asking God for forgiveness while at the same time giving the deer what some might call it's last rites. And I don't say that in jest.
I left the scene with no confidence that the deer was dead so I did what anyone in my situation would do... I called a redneck, Big Jim (name changed) this time. I explained that situation to him and he also said I should have bashed it over the head.
This of course was not the information that I was looking for. However he did have some useful information. To tell if a deer is dead you can touch it's eyeball. If his eye does not blink then he is dead.
So I approached the deer and touched it's eyeball, the moment of truth that was weighing on my mind. Fortunately the eyeball did not blink. My trials were over and the deer no longer suffered needlessly.
I still question my decision and have asked numerous people what they thought. I hope for your sake you never have to make a decision like this, unless of course you have no heart!
The most unfortunate thing is that we later found out there are local places that will rescue these animals. Here is a great local Maryland site, Second Chance Wildlife Center The best non-regional site I could find was The Wildlife Rehabilitation Information Directory. There are many others out there that look like they could help. I urge you to consider this before contacting your local law enforcement.
Let me end on a final note. We have been desensitized to killing deer by seeing them dead along the road. Only this situation has allowed me to see that life is precious and fragile. And this gives me incite into the murder of humans.
After this situation I have zero tolerance and no remorse for murderers. We have also been desensitized to the death of humans, I think by movies and the news. But for a human to take another humans life, by gun or knife or bare hands, etc. to me they are clinically insane and have no further use for us on this earth. I know that this is a general statement and I believe there are circumstances such as war and self-defense that are exempt but a premeditated, useless murder to me deserves no less than equal retribution.
Yes, I am saying an eye for an eye and that may sound hypocritical to some but we will have to leave that for another blog.

Suffering is nothing. It's all a matter of preventing those you love from suffering. -Alphonse Daudet

Your panties are bunched!

2007-11-25T08:59:00.000-05:00

For crying out loud, some of us don't have a chair-to-ass job... For those few of you who were patiently awaiting the return of this blog I take my sweaty hat off to you. And for those others who have been waiting to throw their proverbial panties at the stage thank you too! Even practically perfect people need a kick in the ass from time to time.
OK, that's it, I'll see you after Christmas... whoops I mean Holiday! (Can anyone tell me what I'm about to bitch... about?)
It's Christmas time... Well, it has been since my neighbor's put their Christmas lights up 3 years ago. As many of you already know Hallmark and Toy's R Us, along with a myriad of other stores have been slowly pushing Christmas time from the end of December to somewhere right around Thanksgiving. For those shoppers who like to get an early second mortgage Christmas shopping begins on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving... It's a brilliant marketing ploy and if it weren't for my utter disdain towards big corporations and their destroying America (wait a minute, I've been reading too much drivel from the online socialists)! That was a jab at Karl Marx and the growing popularity in America of "the government should take care of me" ideal!
Anyways, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, Christianity's Son of God. As with many of the things in Christianity and most other religions Christmas is a symbol. I'm not here to argue if Jesus was actually born on December 25th or if the Pagan religion is the original author of the celebration. It's a tradition in the United States dating back to John Smith and the Jamestown settlement practiced in our predominately Christian nation, and while a burgeoning society needs to change to grow and flourish, some things should remain as tradition!
So without further adieu let's talk about Christmas... Are people really offended by a man born over 2000 years ago who preaches such out-dated ideas like "Love thy neighbor" or "Don't murder" or "Honor your parents"? When you walk down the street and see a Christmas tree or a little baby in a manger surrounded by family and friends does that spark a deep-seeded hatred in your being? Does a fat man with a white beard and a red coat who magically delivers toys to children make you relive bad memories of a drunken Uncle Joe during the holidays? For Christ's sake (yes that is intended) we have a growing violent crime rate, our soldiers are fighting a war over seas and there is a good chance that a few families in your town won't have enough food to eat this holiday! Does the removal of a Christmas tree in a Seattle airport serve any greater good? I realize that the true meaning of Christmas lies in the birth of Christ. I realize that decorations and Santa Clause don't reflect the true meaning of Christmas but I hardly think they are a tool of the evil missionaries trying to spread God's word throughout the world. I would be all for getting rid of Christmas icons if someone could prove to me that they have in any way infringed on the rights of any human.
Christmas time has been traditionally a time of giving, dating back to ancient Babylon. We give gifts to our family members and friends, we spoil our children and spend time with family. Many people even take time out of their busy lives to help those less fortunate. I'm not talking about those lobbying Congress for government handouts, I'm talking about people donating warm clothes to the Salvation Army, donating canned goods to those who need it and even taking time from their families to personally help at soup kitchens, toy drives and the like. And many of these people and groups who unselfishly help others are members of a religious group who celebrates Christmas. (I'm certainly not insinuating that Christians are the only religious group that helps others at Christmas time and throughout the year and it is unfortunate that I even have to include this disclaimer). Banning Christmas icons and making it just another federal holiday could have adverse effects on the generous folks who donate so much during the holidays.
The earliest celebration on December 25th is credited to the Pagans who celebrated by "raucous partying, gluttonous eating and drinking, and gift-giving", and continued by three shepherds bringing gifts to an unknown child known as Jesus Christ and now by millions like myself who drink and eat a lot and give gifts. And as a person not easily offended I take great offense to anyone who thinks that Christmas trees, baby Jesus and the words "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas" are infringing on their rights.
I understand that their are other religions freely practicing in this country, exactly as the founding fathers wanted. I understand that during the Christmas holiday many stores and houses and public areas have decorated Christmas trees, Nativity scenes, garland, poinsettia, Santa Clauses ringing bells... It's hard not to go anywhere without being reminded of Christmas. Instead of spending all of your time being angry during the holidays why not turn that frown upside-down. Use it to call that friend from high school you haven't spoken with in 15 years or patch a wound between you and your father, everyone is a little more sensitive and forgiving during Christmas. We are not trying to force you into Christianity, that ended with the efficacy of the sword but rather are asking you to think of Christmas as a positive for millions of people, including you! I mean no one is making you worship the Son of God, that would be un-American. However why not take advantage of all the sales, the chance to give to someone who needs more than you and of course the time off work.
Think about this. If you could write a list of ten things you would wish for this Christmas would one of them be the end of Christmas? If so then I guess you'd be in a catch-22... For your sake and the rest of ours, I hope the banishing of Christmas doesn't consume you... It's Christmas, have a drink, call a friend and be thankful that you're alive!

In the old days, it was not called the holiday season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hannukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hannukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall! -Dave Barry

There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America. -Bill Clinton

Happily Performing my Civic Duty

2007-06-26T14:09:00.000-05:00

Law Enforcement... To some this is a bad word. And more times than not these are the same people that bitch when the police don't show up in 3.75 seconds. But I'm not here to convince you that most police officers, who risk their lives for your safety on a daily basis are underpaid and under-appreciated (even though I just said it), I'm merely letting you know how I support law enforcement and the fine men and women who are a part of it...

I drink... And I drink a lot. Right now you are scratching your head wondering how on earth this could help law enforcement. Well I'll tell you!

Every 6 months or so a few brave men and women of a local county (not to mention all over the country) sign up to become police officers. They study law books, work out, eat, sleep and defecate (this is a clean blog) rules on being a police officer. I personally do not know how tough police officer training is but when I see a 500 pound police officer I assume it is fairly easy. However like I said I really have no idea! Anyways if I am correct all officers go from training to being a patrol officer. This means they do traffic stops, respond to domestic violence, robberies, stabbings, shootings, gang fights, etc. And one of the most difficult and dangerous things for them to do is make traffic stops. But we are not going to get into that per say. What I want to focus on is DUI's.

Now you may think that the law is on the officer's side but in the wake of Rodney King and a very small amount of other situations where the officers, with only seconds to decide what to do in the face of possible injury or death, made the wrong decision and that decision was sent expediently across mainstream airwaves, the law has almost turned it's back against these officers.

Fear not because I am here to help. Officers are faced almost daily with drunk drivers. And many of our esteemed lawyers feel it is their responsibility to save these lawbreakers by attacking the officer and making the drunk driver out to be a victim. So for this it is imperative that new officers have the proper training to correctly assess a drunk driver, correctly test them and correctly charge them with the proper crime. And I am just the man to help them.

Tonight I will be picked up in an unmarked police car and driven to the training academy. There I will be served the alcoholic beverage of my choice while being closely monitored by trained officers. Along with about 15 to 20 other people we will play drinking games, socialize and consume. Keep in mind that we are monitored and heavy, excessive drinking is prohibited. Anyways, after about three hours of partying we will be given a breathalyser test and taken to the gymnasium where 20 to 40 new recruits will be testing what they have learned out on real drunks. The eye test, the stand on one foot test and the walking test will be administered to me. It is quite fun and great practice for when I get pulled over. However no one can escape the eye test. When you get drunk your eyes shake uncontrollably so no matter how "good" you think you are you are still busted.

Once the training session is over we are brought into another room where we stand up in front of the new recruits and they tell us whether or not we would have been arrested. Once that is determined our BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) is revealed and we are free to go home. I'm sorry, what I meant was we are escorted home in an unmarked police vehicle.

The last time I was tested my BAC was .09, which is legally drunk. Out of the 6 groups that tested me five of them would have arrested me. However the first time that I did it my BAC was also .09 but only 2 of the 7 groups would have arrested me. And in each group that arrested me I knew two of the officers and I think they just assumed that I was drunk.

Anyway, that is my Tuesday night and that is how I feel good about performing my civic duties... I consider myself a patriot! What do you do for your country?

PS. It is Thursday and I have some news. The training was a success. I had 16 ounces of Jack Daniel's and blew a goat... just kidding I blew a .11. Every officer that tested me did arrest me so for this class it sounds like we have some good men and women that will soon be protecting us. Nothing exciting to report although I am even more sure that I'm marrying the right woman. There happened to be 5 men and about 15 women at the training. 12 of these women were in their 20's. I had no interest in these girls... However I did spend the evening yacking it up with one woman that graduated high school a year prior to my Dad and the other two were older than I although I did not ask their ages. And I had a great time. I guess I really learned a few things at my pre-cana classes...

"Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected." -George Washington

"They speak of my drinking but never think of my thirst" -Scottish Proverb

A bit of Anger Management

2007-06-24T18:58:00.000-05:00

This blog sucks but I'm bored and felt like typing something!

Lately I have been able to manage my anger in ways I never thought possible. For instance yesterday I managed to get angry at another driver. This particular person was not in my way, not cutting me off and maybe 5oo feet from me in another lane going another way. Still, I managed to get angry with her. You see in my little town there is a light. And this light stops people from inadvertently slamming into each other. There is one lane from three directions and three lanes from the other direction (if you don't understand then stop reading, go into your garage and turn on your car (STOP... do not do what I just told you to do)). So from the one side that has three lanes only two of them go straight. One veers to the right and blends in with traffic. For those of you who ever come North on 27 through Damascus, YOU DO NOT NEED TO STOP HERE! There is no white line to stop at, there is no light above the lane and there absolutely is no humanly way to mix this up... Unless of course you are the idiot that sat at the non-light this morning as I drove by with a line of traffic bottle-necked behind her. And to top it off when the light turned green she yielded for the non-oncoming traffic even though there is no yield sign and a clearly marked lane where SHE has the right-of-way! And as usual I have artistically led into the next paragraph!

Road signs are our friend. If you come upon a sign that says, let me think of something off the top of my head... YIELD then you should know what to do. Most likely there is oncoming traffic where you need to merge with. On occasion there is no merge lane and you will see a sign that says NO MERGE LANE. At this point you need to stop and observe the oncoming traffic until you can safely enter the driving lane. Please increase your speed immediately as the traffic behind you is coming up fast and accelerating to there speed, or at least the speed limit is vital. But more often than not there is a lane to merge. Do not come to a complete stop here. You have a lane and this is designed for you to continue driving, without stopping until you have reached the same speed as the traffic you are trying to merge with so you can enter the driving lane. Put your damn blinker on, speed up and don't stop. Stopping could cause a serious accident and then God will deem you an idiot.

And almost on a daily basis I manage to get angry at idiots entering the highway. just because you have your blinker on does not mean that you have access to leave the merge lane (see above) and enter the driving lane. It is imperative that you increase your speed to the same speed as those on the highway BEFORE you enter the driving lane. If the speed limit is 55 MPH then your ass better be going at least 55 mph before you plan to merge. This to me is the definition of common sense but every time I am on the highway some douche wants to get in front of me going 30 mph

And for God's sake do not drive in the fast lane, ever... The left lane of the highway is designed for passing those on the right. There is nothing more angering than some idiot driving too slow in the left "fast" lane. Or some putz driving the exact speed limit in the middle lane and people are passing them on the right. A good rule of thumb is that if you are being passed on the left then you are in the wrong lane... Get over... There is nothing wrong with driving slow as long as you are in the slow lane...

If you follow these simple rules then I will not have to send my goons to kick your ass and take your license.

Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves. -Larry McMurtry

Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?

2007-06-17T22:01:00.000-05:00

Where do these sayings come from? Has anyone done the research? Was PETA notified before the "scientist" removed the leg of the duck (refer to the title)? The reason why I ask these questions is because I have been hearing these for years. "Does a bear shit in the woods", "Is the Pope catholic?", "Does a frog bump his ass when he hops?" and many others. In fact over the years of having these sayings pumped into my little brain even I have been known to say them. It's kind of like a rural brain-washing. I also love trucks, chew tobacco, have an American flag magnet and wear jeans to work.

So to my next point (if there was a point in the first paragraph) does anyone else feel like they are being misrepresented by our government... For the people and by the people. In a representative democracy we choose our leaders by vote. These are the folks who are supposed to be the voice of the people. Servants of the people if you will! It might just be me but I don't feel like lying, embezzlement, racketeering, bribery, etc. are the qualities I look for in an elected official! I know, I'm crazy!

I guess this comes up because I have recently been acquainted with the "Fairness Doctrine". For those of you not familiar with the "Fairness Doctrine" I suggest you read about it if you are at all concerned about your freedom of speech. I mean are we paying these people to raise their salaries every year and continue to legislate tyranny? And this issue is not a left/right issue although the conservatives would be hurt most by the reintroduction of this "communesque" (I made that word up) piece of legislation. The right to free speech is paramount to keeping a free country.

Here is the first sentence of a description about the "Fairness Doctrine.
"The policy of the United States Federal Communications Commission that became known as the "Fairness Doctrine" is an attempt to ensure that all coverage of controversial issues by a broadcast station be balanced and fair."

Are you kidding me! Let's break this down shall we? Who determines what a controversial issue is? I picture some fat white guy sitting on a throne and the leaders of our political parties waiting eagerly for him to judge each and every issue. "I deem issue 549743 to be non-controversial... I have spoken!" And what the hell is balanced. Did Fox news start this silly trend. If something is balanced would it not reflect every aspect of an issue and every view of every American... That's friggin impossible! So balanced is out... What about fair? How can you expect someone who already has a bias to be fair. It's human nature to be more passionate about something that you believe in and people can pick up on body language, voice tone, etc. when you are trying to argue one point or another. Even more so why does everything have to be fair. I mean I could argue that I don't think it is fair that there are more Democrats in congress than Republicans or that it is not fair that there are only two political parties. Life is not fair so quit bitching and deal with it! This is so arbitrary. Can you imagine the wasted taxpayer money when we start taking "fairness" issues to court.

One more quick point on that. Someone correct me if I'm wrong but the Constitution does say "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" doesn't it? Liberty... what does that mean to you? To me it means that I am privileged to practice my beliefs, share my thoughts and voice my opinion without fear of government or private interference. In fact the government should protect my rights to have these beliefs. And don't say by being public about my beliefs that I am pushing them on you because you have every right to stop reading this. You can change the channel, walk away, voice your opposition and you can do that with the knowledge that you are protected by the constitution. Disclaimer: Remember that you are only protected if you don't infringe on anyone else's rights. So don't argue to me that I'm saying people are protected when they threaten the life of someone or spread lies knowingly (slander). Sure they are free to do it but this infringes on another's liberty and therefore the government needs to step in.

Finally what gets me, and I certainly used to be a one-sided political idiot, is that people still think that one political cult is better than the other. In theory I do have a political side but as far as I can tell Washington does not reflect my views whatsoever! And the worst part about it is that we are moving at light speed towards a bigger government who believes they know what is best for me in my life. Socialism is not good for America people. We did not ascend to a world power in less than 200 years by handing out ribbons to every citizen.

In closing I would just like to say that if someone were to ask me if I thought the current trend of lawmakers who are systematically taking away my personal freedoms and rights pisses me off you know what I would say...

Does a one-legged horse sit down?

Those who call for censorship in the name of the oppressed ought to recognize it is never the oppressed who determine the bounds of censorship. - Aryeh Neier, Civil Libertarian

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it - Mark Twain

In some of its more lunatic aspects, political correctness is merely ridiculous. But in the thinking behind it, there is something more sinister which is shown by the fact that already there are certain areas and topics where freedom of speech, in the sense of the right to open and frank discussion, is being gradually but significantly eroded. - Retiring Judge Neil Denison, who as Common Serjeant of London since 1993 was one of Britain's most prominent judges, as quoted by the London Daily Telegraph.

Welcome Back, Kotter

2007-06-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

If my name were Kotter I would say thank you but alas my parents chose the name Matthew to dictate my future. If my Dad had a say in it I would currently be serving two life sentences with Ted Kaczynski as Marshall Montgomery! Anyways it has been quite a while since my last blog... not by choice though! Believe you me (another of the phrases I hate but have always wanted to use properly) I would much rather spend my days gnawing on beef jerky and typing my thoughts as they come out. Of course I would be a fatass with mouth cancer and carpal tunnel but sometimes the price of greatness outweighs the ass in the chair!

I have many, many thoughts to convey to my reader. First off I am greatly displeased at the current situation we are facing, not only here in Montgomery County Maryland but all across the country. It seems our elected officials, on both sides of the political aisle have made it their job, as if God himself or Darwin whichever philosophy you adhere too, has given them some divine power to know what is good for me and you. I'm going to touch on this, or should I say unapologetically rant about this in my next blog so I won't go to much into it but does anyone else feel like the government has grown out of it's britches! (Gotten too big for it's britches for those of you who didn't understand my last sentence!

Onto another topic... My tobacco update. It's been a few long, grueling months but I have managed to keep up my 1 can a day habit like a pro. You see I work outside every day and nothing says redneck like a farmer's tan and a ring forever emblazoned in your back pocket. As a landscaper by trade I must live up to my stereotype! So I have set another quit date, sometime between now and my wedding which is quickly approaching!

It takes a certified genius to end a paragraph with such a great lead in for the next. My wedding... It's just around the corner... 56 days to be exact! And as most men do I engage in the anti-marriage banter, gazing into the sky as I relive my bachelor days, feigning regret and cussing myself... In truth I'm in love and more than ready to make this commitment! After talking with many married men about their lives I can tell the ones that are truly happy. These are the guys that never have a bad thing to say about marriage and I know that one day someone will ask me about married life and I'll be just like them... Happy!

OK, enough with the mushy stuff. I am a sentimental bastard so if I don't cut myself off I might start typing eloquent soliloquies and I don't need any of the single women who read my blog flooding me with love notes or married men angrily attacking me because their wives say "Why can't you say things to me like he types!"

I want to next touch on bragging. See, the lead ins are magnificent. As a blogger it's fun to be something you typically aren't. For instance I started writing another blog, due out within the week, where I am a large Asian man with 6 digits on my left hand. What I mean is don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful!

In closing I would just like to say that I will be making a better effort to grace my reader with more inane writings and Psychological Wanderlust! I hope you'll join me!

One other thing before I go... Today I was in a class all day with about 100 other people. After each speaker the class would clap and then wait until the next speaker set up his power point presentation. Yes 8 straight hours but that is not the point. As the last speaker wrapped up people were edging towards the door anticipating the long line to get their certificate. To be congenial towards the speaker I reluctantly sat in my chair and waited for him to finish. And for the first time in my life I was the first person to clap and if you have never started a "clapping wave" with 100+ people I suggest it.

"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy." Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1842-1912)

3 girls and a viagra

2007-04-13T22:25:00.000-05:00

3 girls and a viagra? What could this mean? Well I thought I would delve into the fantasy world for a minute and discuss where my brain has recently been. I don't plan on talking about sexual fantasies despite what your dirty mind may have thought when you read the title. But I did intend for you, the reader to get on the fantasy track and for most men I think the thought of three girls at the same time is a fantasy stemming back to the "sneaking a peak at Uncle Jim's Playboy's" days. As for the viagra, what's the fun if you only enjoy it for 30 seconds?

So without further adieu my most recent, and weekly occuring fantasy! Drum Roll... the lottery of course. I don't necessarily have this fantasy every week but when I think about it or when the pot gets to be over 100 million (because 10 million is not worth buying a ticket) I buy a ticket. The first thing I say to the person at the register is "If I win I won't forget you!" Which is comparable to calling someone named Matt, doormat... "Hey, do people ever wipe their feet on you?"

"Yes douche, every other time I introduce myself to someone they wipe their feet on me, it really gets on my nerves!"

So anyway I start with the cliche I won't forget you and then purchase my tickets. Typically I am by myself so my fantasies of being a millionaire are kept quiet but God forbid if you are in the car with me. "Hey, what would you do if you won the lottery..." wait a sec... wait a sec... "Cuz I know what I would do. First I would definitely take the cash, anyone who would take the annuity is stupid. I mean you can take a larger sum of money at one time and invest it so despite the penalty for taking the cash you would make up that money in no time. And I would quit my job right this second, I mean why go back to work. You would have to be a complete ninny to go back to work, unless of course you gave breast exams then the lottery would mean nothing!

So if the lottery is 100 million, they take half right off the bat and then whatever percent the government gets, say 25% and then I have about 37 million. I would take 10 million and invest it so my kids kids kids would not have to work. This would leave me with 27 million. Then I would pay off my parents bills and give then a couple million, say 5. I would send another 5 to my in-laws which would leave me with 17 million. Now I have a lot of family members but I bet with 7 million I could pay off all of their debts. I would now have 10 million left. With 4 total going to my sisters and another three to help all of my friends I would still have 3 million left and I would take a year or two and travel the world with my sweetheart. Whatever was left over from the 3 million once I return home and buy a small house on 10 acres I would give to Heroes, a charity for the families of fallen police officers.

Where is this going? Well, it is about half way through this extremely logical and realistic fantasy that I get a pompous, self-important (was that redundant?), smug feeling. Like because I am so thoughtful and selfless and giving that God himself will grant this ticket be the sole winner. It is I, The Great and Powerful Uno that deserveth this booty!

And speaking of booty, who wants to hear more about three girls and a viagra. Because if I won the lottery let me tell you... Now back to our original programming.

As I was saying in my smuggiest of smugness, one can only assume that there will be divine intervention for such a selfless act. And I really do reflect on the part that God will play in me winning the lottery. Which I know is very sad because I'm sure she is not up there looking down and saying, "Yes, yes, the idiot who hath repeatedly committed each and every one of thy seven deadly sins, who picks his nose and rubs it into the carpet and terrorizes the poor cat when "she" is not around, Him, he is thy (Because God says thy and not the) he is thy one who shalt win the mega millions!

No, it's more like "Hey Jesus, every time this guy buys a lottery ticket I give him stomach-pumping diarhea and he loses 5 hairs on his head for good!"

Seriously though some of you who are reading this may be a recipient of my money if I do end up winning the big one so pray for me... And if you are still waiting for the three girls and a viagra keep waiting, the only way you'll reach that fantasy is if you win the lottery!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. -Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)

The charity that hastens to proclaim its good deeds, ceases to be charity, and is only pride and ostentation. -William Hutton

Stop rolling down hill like a snowball headed for hell!

2007-04-02T22:20:00.000-05:00

Merle Haggard everybody! There are so many things that piss me off right now that I don't know where to begin. Does anyone remember when black folks were not allowed to drink from the same water fountains or sit at the same table or use the same door as whites? Well I would say that those reading this definitely don't but it's an undeniable fact unless you are the leader of Iran and you can say with confidence that slavery and the holocaust are bogus. Anywho, I guess the idiots finally realized that we are all people, despite our color or creed or religion and the United States has been taking great strides to combat racism and bigotry.

In come zee Germans... You have to say 'zee' instead of 'the' when saying zee Germans. Let me just tell you that Europe's socialist/communist attitudes and outlandish political correctness really piss me off. And the reason I led with a refresher on the horrors of forcing people to be separate because of their differences is because Germany, in it's infinite wisdom has built separate entrances in schools for Christians and Muslims! WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? What the hell happened to celebrate diversity? Are zee Germans promoting separate but equal? Are we going down the slippery slope here in the US? Now I understand that separating blacks and whites in the US and what is happening in Europe (trust me it will continue) are separate issues but I believe they are born of the same simple-minded, irrational, ignorant thinking and are extreme cases of bigotry and racism. What happens when one entrance is different than the other? Will parents sue because their children are being treated unfairly because of their religion? Where does this madness end? Hopefully the next generation will wisen up and this political correctness that is separating our diversity will disappear like the Republicans did in the last elections!

Nextly, a word that I am sure has been said before but if undocumented then I will take credit for it... Nextly we have the Socialized Medicine issue. Works great for Europe! In actuality it's just a way for our government to extort money from you. I say take that extra money and pay the teachers and police officers and firemen and postal workers and military personnel and etc. more money. Do we really need the government to satisfy all of our needs? Is that what we want, a bloated, fat beauracracy living off the fruits of our labor while the middle class sinks slowly into poverty and the upper class thrive? Is this not just another way for bureaucrats to make more money on us? Are you that stupid and helpless that you need Big Brother to walk you down the street? Yea, that's what I want... I'm angry!!! And I know there are always two sides to every argument but after reading them I just can't stomach the thought of more government!

Speaking of taxes, can you imagine how much more of your paycheck won't be cashed by you if we increase taxes for the Al Gore global warming effort and paying for everyone's cheapened medical insurance? Is anyone else pissed or does no one care where this is heading?

Guess what... Some idiot decided that Maryland should allow illegal aliens in-state tuition for all of it's state schools... And our Governor signed it happily! Not military personnel, legal immigrants, citizens, Americans, students with visas, people who don't break the law, but illegal immigrants now receive in-state tuition in Maryland. That means that a person who lives in Alexandria, just across the border in Virginia (for those of you who do not know your geography, Maryland is north of Virginia), must pay 22K per year to attend Maryland or UMBC or Towson. A woman in the military must pay 22K per year to attend Salisbury even if she is statoned in Maryland but a person who has entered our country illegally, snubbing each and every immigrant that has painstakingly come into this country legally, needs only pay 7K... CAN ANYONE JUSTIFY THIS TO ME!!! PS. In the infinite wisdom of who might be the biggest idiot in Maryland, Baltimore City Councilman and giant douchebag Melvin Stukes has compared people who oppose the bill that would allow ILLEGAL immigrants to get better treatment than any person not living in Maryland with the 3/5ths compromise. This compromise between the south and the north basically said that every five slaves votes only counted as three. So Mr. Melvin Stukes seems to think that not wanting to allow ILLEGAL immigrants in-state tuition is comparable to only counting a black man as 3/5ths of a person... And that may be the two most uncomparable issues! I would take grave offense if I was a descendant of slaves in America! Hell, why not compare the holocaust to the hardships of waiting in line at the MVA (or DMV for non-Maryland residents). Yea, waiting in line sucks!

And another thing, I have suffered through the smoking ban on privately-owned restaurants and I am not even a smoker... I've sat idly by as the county extorts money from beer and wine establishments as well as bars and restaurants. But please answer me this... Will people magically become skinny if we ban trans-fats? Well Montgomery County decided that all of it's restaurants, it's privately owned restaurants who must buy alcohol through the county and cannot have people smoking in their establishment should not be allowed to use trans-fat when they cook. I noticed that New York City looked a lot skinnier... Thanks Big Brother for watching out for my weight, if you would check for me, I'm not sure if I wiped my ass cleanly... But thankfully I know that even though I live a sedentary lifestyle and eat like a horse the fact that you have forced privately owned businesses to stop cooking with trans-fat the weight will magically fall off. Thank you Oh wise government official! Hopefully we can get all food banned that has anything fatty and eventually we will all be forced to eat vegetables grown by the government... GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE!!!

Apparently people hate the wilderness. If they can't see it on the new show Planet Earth then they don't want it. How do I know this you ask? Well, the newspaper had an article about the housing problem in Clarksburg, Maryland and said that even though it is a rural part of Montgomery County you can still find state of the art shopping centers and brand new residential communities... And my future wife put it perfectly... "If you can overlook the trees and nature and the displaced animals you should find some suitable areas to live." Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of expansion and capitalism but are state-of-the-art shopping centers more alluring to home buyers than verdant areas and bucolic scenery? (I have waited years to use those words). I think that people look down upon people who live in rural areas, considering them less intelligent and ignorant. But who's ignorant in that situation? And I guess the housing guru's have tried to eliminate all aspects of rural life while appealing to the "community" aspect... Makes me sick!

There is so much more that pisses me off but I don't have the breath or the cartilage in my hands to finish. I welcome your comments!

Americans are so enamored of equality that they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom. - Alexis de Tocqueville - "Democracy in America" (1835)

A man who thinks of himself as belonging to a particular national group in America has not yet become an American. - Woodrow Wilson

California is going to be a Hispanic State and anyone who doesn't like it should leave. - Mario Obledo, president of the Californian Coalition of Hispanic Organisations

My addiction update

2007-04-02T22:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, so there have been some minor setbacks in my attempt to quit smokeless tobacco. First off it was totally unfair that less than one week after I quit we got snow. And the rule with plowing is that you must have some sort of vice if you are going to drive back and forth for 10 hours plus. So, I bought a can of chew. The first chew that I had of course was phenomenal, I think it ranked up there with orgasm and catching a winning touchdown pass... Ofcourse falling in love ranks way above any of those! I felt awfully guilty especially because my fiance' was sitting at home not smoking and there I was enjoying my favorite vice.

I made myself feel better when I bought the can by buying tootsie pops in hopes that it would curb my voracious appetite for smokeless tobacco. It was a lame idea at best although until then I had forgot how much I enjoyed tootsie pops. Anyways, it wasn't 15 minutes after I had bought the can that I sucked down 20 ounces of scalding hot coffee to rejoin with my former life partner. As I explained before my first chew was fantastic but my second chew was terrible. I had it tucked safely and succulently between my cheek and gum for no more than 5 minutes when I reluctantly spit it out. My stomach was hurting and I felt that my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I think I even had the cold sweats but that could have been because all of the drugs that I was on... Just Kidding! Finally depression had set in because I thought that I may never enjoy another chew. Ofcourse that is the point of quitting I assume but this did not enter my thoughts.

As the night closed I decided to have one more chew. Three chews in seven hours is not bad, and thankfully the third mouth full of joy was similar to the first... it was just as I had remembered it before... marvelous! It may have lasted for a euphoric 5 minutes or 45 minutes but all I knew was that I would have to enjoy every second. When I finally spit it out half way to my house at 2:30 am, I dumped out the remaining goodness in a can with a tear in my eye.

Since then I have been nicotine free, until last night. I went to a place called Growler's where I met my family for a birthday dinner. The food was unbelievable and the beer was fantastic. After dinner I went upstairs with my family for some drinks and live music. I'm not much of a go out type of guy anymore because of the "typical bar scene" but Growler's was totally different, a place I will probably make "MY BAR"! I spent the whole night in conversation, not thinking about nicotine even though alcohol always increases my addictive awareness. As we walked out I lit up a cigarette, smoked half of it and then threw it away, completely regretting the whole situation.

Did I mention that I hate cancer? Well I really hate cancer!

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -Mae West (1892-1980)

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. -Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Stop rolling down hill like a snowball headed for hell!

2007-03-24T04:05:00.000-05:00

Merle Haggard everybody! There are so many things that piss me off right now that I don't know where to begin. Does anyone remember when black folks were not allowed to drink from the same water fountains or sit at the same table or use the same door as whites? Well I would say that those reading this definitely don't but it's an undeniable fact unless you are the leader of Iran and you can say with confidence that slavery and the holocaust are bogus. Anywho, I guess the idiots finally realized that we are all people, despite our color or creed or religion and the United States has been taking great strides to combat racism and bigotry.

In come zee Germans... You have to say 'zee' instead of 'the' when saying zee Germans. Let me just tell you that Europe's socialist/communist attitudes and outlandish political correctness really piss me off. And the reason I led with a refresher on the horrors of forcing people to be separate because of their differences is because Germany, in it's infinite wisdom has built separate entrances in schools for Christians and Muslims! WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? What the hell happened to celebrate diversity? Are zee Germans promoting separate but equal? Are we going down the slippery slope here in the US? Now I understand that separating blacks and whites in the US and what is happening in Europe (trust me it will continue) are separate issues but I believe they are born of the same simple-minded, irrational, ignorant thinking and are extreme cases of bigotry and racism. What happens when one enterance is different than the other? Will parents sue because their children are being treated unfairly because of their religion? Where does this madness end? Hopefully the next generation will wisen up and this political correctness that is separating our diversity will disappear like the Republicans did in the last elections!

Nextly, a word that I am sure has been said before but if undocumented then I will take credit for it... Nextly we have the Socialized Medicine issue. Works great for Europe! In actuality it's just a way for our government to extort money from you. I say take that extra money and pay the teachers and police officers and firemen and postal workers and military personnel and etc. more money. Do we really need the governement to satisfy all of our needs? Is that what we want, a bloated, fat beauracracy living off the fruits of our labor while the middle class sinks slowly into poverty and the upper class thrive? Is this not just another way for bureaucrats to make more money on us? Are you that stupid and helpless that you need Big Brother to walk you down the street? Yea, that's what I want... I'm angry!!! And I know there are always two sides to every argument but after reading them I just can't stomach the thought of more government!

Speaking of taxes, can you imagine how much more of your paycheck won't be cashed by you if we increase taxes for the Al Gore global warming effort and paying for everyone's cheapened medical insurance? Is anyone else pissed or does no one care where this is heading?

Guess what... Some idiot decided that Maryland should allow illegal aliens in-state tuition for all of it's state schools... And our Governor signed it happily! Not military personnel, legal immigrants, citizens, Americans, students with visas, people who don't break the law, but illegal immigrants now receive in-state tuition in Maryland. That means that a person who lives in Alexandria, just across the border in Virginia (for those of you who do not know your geography, Maryland is north of Virginia), must pay 22K per year to attend Maryland or UMBC or Towson. A woman in the military must pay 22K per year to attend Salisbury even if she is statoned in Maryland but a person who has entered our country illegally, snubbing each and every immigrant that has painstakingly come into this country legally, needs only pay 7K... CAN ANYONE JUSTIFY THIS TO ME!!! PS. In the infinite wisdom of who might be the biggest idiot in Maryland, Baltimore City Councilman and giant douchebag Melvin Stukes has compared people who oppose the bill that would allow ILLEGAL immigrants to get better treatment than any person not living in Maryland with the 3/5ths compromise. This compromise between the south and the north basically said that every five slaves votes only counted as three. So Mr. Melvin Stukes seems to think that not wanting to allow ILLEGAL immigrants in-state tuition is comparable to only counting a black man as 3/5ths of a person... And that may be the two most uncomparable issues! I would take grave offense if I was a descendant of slaves in America! Hell, why not compare the holocaust to the hardships of waiting in line at the MVA (or DMV for non-Maryland residents). Yea, waiting in line sucks!

And another thing, I have suffered through the smoking ban on privately-owned restaurants and I am not even a smoker... I've sat idly by as the county extorts money from beer and wine establishments as well as bars and restaurants. But please answer me this... Will people magically become skinny if we ban trans-fats? Well Montgomery County decided that all of it's restaurants, it's privately owned restaurants who must buy alcohol through the county and cannot have people smoking in their establishment should not be allowed to use trans-fat when they cook. I noticed that New York City looked a lot skinnier... Thanks Big Brother for watching out for my weight, if you would check for me, I'm not sure if I wiped my ass cleanly... But thankfully I know that even though I live a sedentary lifestyle and eat like a horse the fact that you have forced privately owned businesses to stop cooking with trans-fat the weight will magically fall off. Thank you Oh wise government official! Hopefully we can get all food banned that has anything fatty and eventually we will all be forced to eat vegetables grown by the government... GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE!!!

Apparently people hate the wilderness. If they can't see it on the new show Planet Earth then they don't want it. How do I know this you ask? Well, the newspaper had an article about the housing problem in Clarksburg, Maryland and said that even though it is a rural part of Montgomery County you can still find state of the art shopping centers and brand new residential communities... And my future wife put it perfectly... "If you can overlook the trees and nature and the displaced animals you should find some suitable areas to live." Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of expansion and capitalism but are state-of-the-art shopping centers more alluring to home buyers than verdant areas and bucolic scenery? (I have waited years to use those words). I think that people look down upon people who live in rural areas, considering them less intelligent and ignorant. But who's ignorant in that situation? And I guess the housing guru's have tried to eliminate all aspects of rural life while appealing to the "community" aspect... Makes me sick!

There is so much more that pisses me off but I don't have the breath or the cartilage in my hands to finish. I welcome your comments!

Americans are so enamored of equality that they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom. - Alexis de Tocqueville - "Democracy in America" (1835)

A man who thinks of himself as belonging to a particular national group in America has not yet become an American. - Woodrow Wilson

California is going to be a Hispanic State and anyone who doesn't like it should leave. - Mario Obledo, president of the Californian Coalition of Hispanic Organisations

For my Readers

2007-03-23T18:06:00.000-05:00

I have changed the comment line so anyone can comment instead of just members. Not that anyone will comment but this makes me look like I am popular in the blog community.

And check out Roth's new baby on his blog, Your Wasting Your Time...

Also, this is for the person who complained about not being able to make a comment without signing up!

Quien mas macho? Fernando Llamas o Ricardo Montoban?
Quien mas macho Senor Llamas... o Montoban?
Graciella!
Ooh, that eez a hard juan... Fernando Llamas?
Graciella no... Fernando Llamas es no mas macho de Ricardo Montoban!

That rifle on the wall of the laborer's cottage or working class flat is the symbol of democracy. It is our job to see that it stays there! - George Orwell, Orwell: The Authorized Biography (1940) by Michael Shelden

The Green Scam

2007-03-14T06:56:00.000-05:00

Is anyone seriously considering this carbon credit or carbon offsets BS? It sounds great on the outside but the more I read it the more I realize it is just another way for private citizens and corporations to shirk their duties to mother earth! Picture if you will a typical family of four. This family of four uses two automobiles, flies commercial airlines, still has a "real" fireplace and uses other energy sources that emit carbon into the atmosphere. So some intellectual came up with a system or formula that can tell us how much carbon a typical family of four can safely emit each month. For arguments sake let's say that it is 100 tons of carbon each month for a family of four. Well this specific family only puts out 80 tons of carbon. Therefore there are 20 less tons of carbon going into our atmosphere. Sounds like a first step towards quelling the global warming hysteria.

However, certain people who are supposed to be the beacon of light for the underprivileged and who's new life goal is to lower the world's carbon consumption are screwing us two-fold. Specifically I am talking about the great humanitarian Al Gore. Until two days ago I was starting to really believe that Al Gore cared about me and my family and the future of Mother Earth despite his predilection for hysteria and sensationalism. Well slap me twice and call me Sally, he's a career politician, pig, lying bastard just like the rest of them in Washington. Let me explain:

Al Gore is a chairman of a company called Generation Investment Management and this company sells carbon offsets to businesses and private citizens as well. Al Gore buys his carbon offsets from this company. So he can simply put 20 times more carbon into the atmosphere that a normal family of four because he buys other peoples carbon emissions from himself. What a crooked bastard who has half of the world bamboozled by his sensational, Michael Moore-esque babble!

And I have heard the argument that he is on the "GREEN" plan in Tennessee which costs more but uses renewable resources like wind, water and solar power instead of fossil fuels! This has just not been proven to me nor did any of the Al Gore worshipping newspapers discuss "the green plan".

And one more thing, we all remember learning about Catholicism and Martin Luther, etc. Well one of the main reasons why Martin Luther left the church was because of JoHann Tetzel who was offering forgiveness for your sins if you would simply give him money (the church) money! So essentially Al Gore is paying off the global warming papacy, himself, so he can feel better about polluting our environment by 20% more than most humans!

Believe me I think it would be great if we could reduce the carbon emissions, not because I am a global warming freak but because that would lessen our dependency on foreign oil and put us one step ahead of the global economy! Wind, water, solar, these are all energy sources that current technology suggests will not have an effect on the atmosphere like fossil fuels and best of all we would not have to rely on other countries for these resources. In fact we would most likely lead the world into global consumption of these renewable resources. But Al Gore buying carbon offsets is like Tipper Gore going purchasing music from 2 Live Crew and Dee Snider, it's a mockery and hypocritical!

A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate. - Eric Idle

A politician thinks of the next election - a statesman of the next generation. - James Freeman Clarke

Back to Work (a boring read)

2007-03-11T00:22:00.000-05:00

I'm going back to work... And just as I wrote those 5 words I realized I may never come up with words interesting enough to describe the feeling of going back to work. It's like opening a toy that requires AA batteries and only finding AAA batteries in the house. I mean why shouldn't one expect to find everything required to run a specific toy or gadget neatly packaged with that toy or gadget. Why do we have to buy soup in one aisle and crackers in the other or chocolate bunnies and Cadbury cream eggs only on Easter... why God?

Anyways, I think I was talking about work. I am a landscaper, and when I say the word landscaper I still question it's true meaning. In this case the word land means the stuff gravity adheres us to. And then you have scape which to an entymologist means the stemlike basal segment of the antenna of certain insects (Oh the wit is flowing through me). Of course I am referring to it's definition as a scene or view. In retrospect I should have just deleted this whole segment and started over because the definition of scape does not fall neatly into my original intentions with this blog. However I will not deprive you of my boring thoughts despite the fact that even you may find them inane. Instead I will jump to the part where I explain that while I do not feel that 90% of what I do is scaping any land, by definition it really is (as an aside I think of scaping land as changing it's grade or removing mass quantities of earth, or adding mass quantities of earth but that matters not). For instance, under the strictest definition cutting grass would qualify as scaping land as well as would mulching, planting, debris removal, etc... even fertilizing and watering could be considered scaping the land. Nonetheless the dictionary says landscaping is the "improvement" of the appearance of a landscape so now I am really sure that most of what I do is not landscaping.

Excluding the 40 some hours of snow plowing I did this winter, I had 1 week in January, all of February and 11 days in March off. Now I did lots of paperwork preparing letters for the upcoming season and so forth but all in all I did little work compared to what I do in the spring. But, there is a reason why I am writing this and it is because the idea of going back to work has given me a "case of the Mondays". Despite the fact that I will start paying myself again, lose the 25 extra pounds I packed on this winter and experience a bit of normalcy for a change it is quite depressing. Don't get me wrong, I do not want to work... I would rather be a millionaire because I would take my future wife all over the world and then buy a large piece of land and build a house where my wife and I could be baby-making machines. But alas I'm destined to a life governed by the almighty dollar. That's OK though, it's not like everyone else doesn't have to work... It's not like I'm the only one re-describing every week what I would do with my share of the money when I win the lottery. Besides, I really like what I do and I think other than the Top 10 or so glamour jobs that everyone would like to have, even you non-conformists, like pro athlete, rock star, landscaper, video game tester, blog critic, etc, I'm right where I want to be... OK, I could use a little more money but other than that life is grand.

And thanks to me writing this blog I feel much better about getting back to the grind.

A human being must have occupation if he or she is not to become a nuisance to the world. Dorothy L. Sayers English mystery author (1893 - 1957)

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
James M. Barrie Scottish dramatist & novelist (1860 - 1937)

The Losing Weight Scam

2007-03-06T20:11:00.000-05:00

My proven method of losing weight! Burn more calories than you take in... That's it... There is no magic number or food or pill or diet... I'm sick and tired of hearing new studies that basically say the same thing as they have said for the past 20 fat years... Here are the suggestions that were in the fat article that I just read:

1. Exercise in short, intense bursts (interval training) for effective fat burning after exercise.
2. Increase the amount of resistance/strength/weight training you do, to build more lean muscle. Muscle is ‘metabolically active’ and burns more calories than other body tissue even when you’re not moving.
And of course, for best results:
3. Chill on the amount of food you are eating.

Whaaaaaat!!! Chill on the food, exercise, build muscle... Well thank you Doctor Fatass, and while you are at it why don't we blame society for fat people and blame hollywood for bulimic's as well... I put on 30 pounds this off-season, fat, and when I got my physical the doctor said that I am technically obese... fat! Why, because I ate a lot of junk, sat on my ass and did nothing, fat... That is how you gain weight! Of course not many of us are trying to gain weight, we are trying to lose it! Fortunately for me I will be starting up work soon, the weight will just fall off... Why, because I exercise and burn calories... I burn more calories, fat, than I ingest!

I understand that it is a pain to exercise every day and watch what you eat and it is much easier to just ban certain foods, like banning cigarettes to quit instead of taking the responsibility for yourself, or banning trans-fats from PRIVATELY OWNED RESTAURANTS to curb the obesity (Thanks New York city, bunch of communists, that's gonna really solve the problem, it's not the portions or the constant eating or the lethargic lifestyle... no it's the oil that we fry our foods in, that is what is making New Yorkers so fat, again, bunch of communists). Just like anything else in life, unless you get government handouts, you must sacrifice something and work hard to get to a goal, and losing weight is no different! Once you have mastered your own destiny and realized that sometimes you have to bail yourself out then move to the next paragraph!

Stop falling for the fad diets... Get off your lazy ass and exercise and the next time you go down to the fridge at 2am and look for a steak sandwich with extra mayo turn your fat ass around and go back to sleep, fat... Or eat an apple... And if you choose to eat that steak sandwich, fat, then quit bitching about trans fats and poly-un-monoed trans-siberian oils!!! Quit ruining the good, fatty foods for those of us who like to eat them and can because we burn off that fat or just don't care... You are responsible for your own fat ass and not mine!!! Leave my trans-fats alone and stop believing that a pill will magically take off your excessive weight while you laze away in the easy chair and eat more than most elephants, faaaaat!

Just like forest fires, only you can prevent excessive fat on your ass!

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit. –Who Cares

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author Unknown

My Addiction

2007-03-06T19:20:00.000-05:00

Hello you! I thought it had been quite a while since I graced the blogwaves with my beautiful and engaging writings! Here is the topic:
Yesterday, after 18 years+ of chewing God's gift to your cheek and gum, I have quit my first true love... Now I know what you are saying, he's quit numerous times before and always goes back to it... Well, you're right and I have no idea why this time will be different than others but I have got to try... "If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I must try... IIIIII've got to mister..." Anyways, if you do not have a nicotine addiction or have not tried to quit, let me tell you it's no picnic. Unless the picnic includes shaky hands, anger, delusions, anger, no nicotine and anger! For me I become very sensitive to the touch, and by sensitive I mean horny! I also have severe mood swings and my sarcasm level goes to Defcon 2. Basically I am a complete ass looking for some ass! And how many girls do you know that put out after you tell them how perfect they would be to "suck the nicotine demon" right out of you!
And the best part about the whole thing is that in our infinite wisdom my fiance' and I (yes, I'm sorry lady, I am engaged to be married) my fiance' and I (no I'm not rubbing it in) well her and I quit at the same time. No, she does not chew tobacco, although I made her do it one time and she puked all over her pants and my truck. OK, it's not like I made her do it, you know in case she reads this, she chose to do it and I inserted it, the tobacco, into her mouth! Anyway, she is a smoker and we have quit together 2 other times and it has not been that bad however she is not on the patch, meaning she gets no nicotine and I just feel extra saucy this time.
So, we quit together and I am so angry at cancer right now. I mean I can handle the gingivitis, missing teeth, gum disease, bleeding, bad breath and spitting everywhere for the rest of my life but why does it have to kill me. Why can't it just take a few teeth or require me to swish with mouthwash on a regular basis? I HATE CANCER!!!
So as day two comes to an end the nicotine in my body has just about left my system but the idea that I should be chewing tobacco when I take a shower, sit on the throne, drive, after I eat, before I eat, as I cook dinner, before bed, after coffee and while I am typing this EFFING blog will never, ever end. I have promised myself that when I turn 60 I will start chewing again... That's 28 years away... Maybe I should go buy some just in case they stop making it some day... Great idea!

Babe Ruth smoked cigars and chewed tobacco, and died of throat cancer at age 53.

He had been chewing tobacco since the age of seven.

NEJM, May 12, 1988, p. 1281, and Baseball, Ken Burns, 1994 (PBS film)

During one game of the 1986 World Series, there were a total of 24 minutes on

camera of televised images of players and coaches chewing and dipping smokeless

tobacco.

NEJM, April 9, 1987, p. 952

Just Watching the Fishes Old Chevitz!

2007-03-01T09:12:00.000-05:00

Hello you! You know who you are... The person that always reads my posts... the one person! Thanks Mom!
But seriously, I was just surfing the net, lol, btw, urdum... and I saw that there was a story about the Bassmaster Classic. I didn't read it because I get jealous! Did you know that the announcers name at the Bassmaster Classic is Fish Fishburne? Is that a coincidence or what?
Anyways, after seeing the article I wondered how these fellas got a chance to get on the Bassmaster circuit. Is there a form you have to fill out or do you have to have more than 10 fishing rods and 17 tackle boxes? Then I started wondering about game shows! I don't know if any of you remember the old show Romper Room, where the lady had a magic mirror and it would swirl, using the most cutting edge special effects. Well I had a friend that was on the show and got to slide down the magic slide and say his name on national television.
What about Jeopardy and "The Wheel" and Deal or No Deal, etc. How does one get on these shows. I mean I am definitely no Ken Jennings but it would be nice to get on a game show and win tons of money!
But alas, tonight at 7pm I will be sitting in front of the TV, waiting for Earl and The Office, watching "The Wheel" and Jeopardy, seeing if I can be the first in the house to get the answers right.
Speaking of answers, has anyone noticed that The Wheel is really reaching these days? Last night the Bonus Round category was place and the answer was "Bingo Hall". Where do they come up with these... Bingo Hall? Is that really a place? When you walk in, is it a long corridor with famous pictures of 80-year-old women holding their winning Bingo Card up and a large check for $32.00?
Well, I'm done talking about nothing... Wish me luck in trying to get on a game show. And who knows, maybe one day Fish, I like to call him Fish like he and I have been discussing the Carolina rig versus the Texas rig for the last ten years, will be announcing that I, your esteemed blog king, have won the Bassmaster Classic!

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms. -Alan Coreck

[Television is] the triumph of machine over people.
-Fred Allen US radio comedian (1894 - 1956)

How snow removal tells us about our Government

2007-02-27T15:28:00.000-05:00

That is an odd title I know but bare with me... After plowing for 20 straight hours I became a bit fuzzy in the head and started trying to correlate things together like apples and oranges for instance!
Open your imagination and consider this for me. Plowing reflects our government in so many ways, metaphorically speaking. Let me tell you how I came upon this nugget of incite. I had been out for about 5 hours when I noticed a guy struggling to get his Mercedes out of the snow on the side of the road. Now, driving a Mercedes we can safely assume that the man has a good deal of money. He had lost control of his car and ended up on the shoulder. Mind you this was the 3rd time I saw him on 27, within a 5 mile span. It seemed that he was going to leave his car for dead and take a cab or call someone with a truck or try and flag me down. At that moment I realized that no matter how rich he was, the plow tricks were going to swoop right by him and cover his car in snow, making it nearly impssible for him to get out.
And this is where I started thinking. The plow trucks have a job to do. That job is too quickly clear the roads to make them driveable for people. With the amount of traffic that 27 takes every day, stopping to help that one man, or a few men who happened to be stuck could be disastrous for the masses. This would cost everyone more time and money because the road was not properly done or done in time and all of the folks who would typically travel that road would have to suffer by taking a different, longer route or possibly getting stuck as well. Overall costing everyone more money and time! In essence, what is good for the masses, ie. what is going to help out more people in the long run is what needs to be done.
We plow right by his car and if he wants to get it out he will have to either pay someone to do it or... now this might shock and appall some of you... he might have to do the work for himself! Oh My Gosh!
So what about someone who cannot afford to pay someone to get his car out. And now they can't get to work and make money. Well, the plow trucks, in this instance consider the plow trucks to be government officials, cannot stop, spend the extra money to help this person while pleasing the masses. As we have seen, this would disrupt the protocol and more people would suffer for this one man. But who can help? You... Me... Himself. As private citizens we can help this person who is stuck. Really dig into your imagination and pretend that I am super rich. I could have made a call to a friend who has a winch and paid him $100.00 to help this person, or I could have raised money with my neighbors and helped out many people, or I could have driven my truck, at my own expense and personally helped as many people as I could. Of course this person could have helped himself if he were able... He might have to make some sacrifices, I know that should not be expected of individual citizens!
The idea in a nutshell is that many government funded special interests like the imaginary special interest that says if a plow truck sees a stranded motorist he must get out and help him despite the ramifications, are a waste of time and money and harm more people than they help. However, considering that one of the morning news shows did a study and found that Americans are by far the most generous nation in the world, why is it so hard to believe that these people couldn't use their privately held resources to help others?
The government did their job by plowing the roads, and salting the roads... keeping us safe from the evil that snow is...

The Players

Small plow trucks: Government officials, ie. congress
Big Plow Trucks: Presidential Administration
Snow: nukes, terrorists, poverty, general things that hurt the and their livelihood
The People: The People
Private Businesses, communities: Lobbyists, special interest groups
Money or contracts: Favors, re-election votes
Public Roads, Public arenas: Military, Cops, firefighters, teachers, govt employees

I'm not going to go through the explanation here but think about it for awhile. Just think about how horrible your commute would be, how much time and money would be sucked out of you for the many people who think the Big and Small plow trucks should take care of the snow for them instead of doing something for themselves... NO ONE IS ENTITLED!
Aesop's moral to the story: You are responsible for yourself and your family. The more you rely on the government the bigger the government gets... And the bigger the government gets the smaller your individual rights become!

A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves. - Bertrand de Jouvenel

A good government is one "which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread that it has earned. - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) (inaugural address)

Quickie

2007-02-24T12:57:00.000-05:00

I have what could be called blogger's block! What should I write about... How about people who sit on their computer on Saturday afternoons deciding on what to write on a blog that no one reads... Pathetic! I need a latte with no fat and no whip, extra hot in a Grande drinking vessel. I hate Starbucks! Have a nice weekend, your "Guru of Blogs" will be back next week!

Herstory

2007-02-21T13:56:00.000-05:00

I love the feminist movement. It started with giving women equal rights to vote and own land and work and now it has turned into a colossal mess. Yes, all "men" were created equal in the eyes of God and therefore should be given the same rights as the next man. Should that sentence read, "...all men and women were created equal in the eyes of God and therefore should be given the same rights as the next man or women.?"

It has been harder for women to move up the corporate ladder than it has for men. And I think that women are generally stronger than men emotionally and spiritually! But for God's sake isn't changing the word history to herstory taking it a bit too far? Isn't having to add the word "women" or the word "she" or the word "woman" to every sentence getting a bit redundant. People knew what Neil Armstrong meant when he said "One giant leap for man." He meant all of humanity. I mean the guy just walked on the moon (allegedly) and he has to worry about some feminist group suing him for not including women in his speech! That is completely ruidiculous!

So I am proposing something new and I think that all men in the world and most women could care less either way. Let's change it to herstory and she and her and womankind! I don't give a damn. There are far more important things going on in this world to worry about, and offending a small population of women who think that I, as a male am somehow exerting my dominance over women by peeing standing up or saying mankind or opening a door for them is not one of them.

Men and women are different in many ways and that should be celebrated. I mean thank God that women don't look like men or the human race would quickly die out! I for one am a big fan of women! For me chivalry is not dead... far from it! I will continue to open doors for women, treat my future wife, sisters, mother, mother-in-law and all other women with the respect and dignity they well deserve. Not because I feel dominant over them or wish to exert my power over them but that they deserve to be pampered. Women rule!

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton

Women's liberation will not be achieved until a woman can become paunchy and bald and still think that she's attractive to the opposite sex.- Earl Wilson

In the Spirit of Television

2007-02-18T18:38:00.000-05:00

In my inaugural blog debut I would like to discuss a topic that has been brought up by my fellow blogger Chris at You're Wasting Your Time. As of late I have been forced to watch certain television programs that I find to be the epitomy of the dumbing down of America... Unfortunately once they are on I not only cannot turn away I have to watch the full episode... Sure I check the guide when the commercials are on to give the illusion that I am disinterested in the show but as sure as I will have hemorrhoids one day as soon as the program returns from commercial break I am wrapped up again. I hate to throw myself to the dogs, all 5 who might read this but I feel I must name a few of these episodes... First and foremost is the White Rapper Show... Give me a break, do people really talk like that in real life? And I see no talent whatsoever in any of these folks, maybe because I am not a fan of free-style rap, but once it is on I will surely be sucked in by it's tractor beam... Another one is any of the road rules shows or, well I guess the common denominator would be MTV shows! I can't stand the thought of these shows yet I find them strangely attractive, like Episode LXII of Star Trek when the female Klingon whose forehead looks like a woman's hoo-ha... sorry, I made that up, I've always wanted to quote an episode of Star Trek but I'm not that much of a Trekky! Anyways, I could go on about all of these shows that I hate to love but Sweet Sixteen is on and I think that Angela is going to get a Mercedes for her gift... like an extravagant party with 250 people and Hoobistank playing is not enough of a present!

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. - Voltaire